Tuesday, June 6, 2006

The Crazies 2010 Alternate Ending

Alright, so here's the deal. I just don't buy the fact that being in a Mack truck would fully protect you from a government blast designed to level the entire town you're in. This is Hollywood bullshit and it's just too damn unrealistic to stomach. As I laid in bed after coming home from seeing The Crazies remake this past Friday, I thought up what I believe to be a much better ending to the flick - an ending that's much more fitting to a story such as The Crazies. Lets face it, whether you're Timothy Olyphant or not, if you were in the situation he and his wife were in in the movie, you would have died a horrible fucking death. There's just no way around it and the fact that Olyphantastic & Co. lived through the ordeal just once again shows that Hollywood has zero balls when it comes to horror flicks.

Here's how the movie should have ended.....

So Olyphant's wife is preggers in the movie. First off, she should've been real close to giving birth as the events of the movie begin. And then, at the end, as the two are driving off into the sunset in their atomic blast proof Mack truck, the baby starts to come out. Olyphant pulls off to the side of the road, lays his wife down on the ground, and begins delivering the baby. After an agonizing couple minutes, the baby pops out and the new parents are crying and happy as can be - they've not only survived but their child has come out seemingly happy and healthy. As the new family sits together on the side of the road, the government nukes the entire town - killing all three of them.

Am I just a sick fuck or is this how a god damn HORROR MOVIE should end!?! I don't know about you guys, but I much prefer horror movies that don't have happy endings - isn't that what makes them HORROR movies?


Monkeymanbob said...

Don't agree that unhappy endings are what make a horror movie. But I'm in full agreement with you on the way Hollywood prescribes to churn out formulaic crap with every release of any genre today. The reliance of using pre-screenings to alter movie content based on one set of feedback is possibly on of the culprits, but I think a lack of willing to take chances is the other and Hollywood will not change its tact until someone comes along and changes the rules. This is only usually done when one of these rule breakers becomes a major box office hit and like the sheep they are they churn out carbon copies. Problem is with horror though, is a lot of the movies are low budget with limited releases or DTV where it can take sometime for the impact to be felt. I have no doubt if something like “The Devils Rejects” or “Hatchet” had become a major – major hit then you would have more downbeat endings, but more importantly you would have a lot more interesting movies in the theatres, unlike the garbage that was “Prom Night”. But it’s just not horror movies that suffer this fate. I think “When Harry met Sally” was last truly funny romantic comedy that was worth a repeat viewing, everything since seems to be the same movie with different actors. The current glut of “Seth Rogan” like comedies is like some form of torture as each one becomes un-funnier and un-funnier like some perpetual machine of soul sucking never ending-ness that you wonder if they will start including laughter tracks to let the audience know when to laugh in the wilderness jokedom.
The only people who change this are us, the fee paying viewer and people such as yourself who guide us towards the films that otherwise we wouldn’t otherwise hear about. If our hiring and buying of these gems can switch on a light bulb above some studio exec who sees that the smaller budget or obscure movies that are more original/gross/downbeat are slowly bring in the bucks through word of mouth, then they will follow suit. Until then it’s Prom Night 2: More annoying rich kids to kill.

My own ending to the Crazies remake would have had them Golly Olly and wife stopping by the road to celebrate their escape, being discovered by a passing patrol and one bullet to Mrs Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free as he looks on, fade to black and the sound of one more shot. End with “Happy Talk” being played over the credits.

Keelee von Cupcake said...

Ahaha, I was with your idea until you get to the point of it, and kill them newborn baby and all. XD It would have made things even more tense for the woman to be farther along. And out-driving an explosion/surviving the following crash waaas pretty hard to believe.
But it still had a downbeat ending, actually. In the DVD version I saw, you last see the couple making their way to that big town they were headed to, amazingly alive.

Then the governmental aerial view stuff from the beginning of the film pops up again, and the big town gets flagged as infected as well - and slated for the same cleansing wrought on the first, only worse. Not only did this poor couple manage to be the only survivors from their ENTIRE town but now they're going to experience the entire horrible thing AGAIN. Still exhausted from the events of the film and thus significantly less likely to survive thiiis time. With the bonus guilt that they've contributed to the devastation about to be wrought on tens of thousands more people, just because they didn't lay down and die, and there's nothing they can do to stop it. They may have just left this epilogue out of the theatrical version.

And if you think about it, even sans-epilogue the ending isn't all sunshine and rainbows. They have just lost, often through graphic violence right before their eyes, quite possibly everyone they've ever known and loved. At the least they lost all their friends, their home and all their possessions, and their very identities - they'd basically be penniless fugitives now, with their own government ready to hunt them down if its discovered they survived. Let alone the burden of soon bringing a baby into this bleak situation. We really begrudge them the fleeting happiness of meager survival? (Even if no one else managed even that.) Of course I didn't hate the characters as you did, I found myself feeling and rooting for them, and I might feel differently if I hadn't.

Maybe in your version the baby could have been infected with the virus, and attack the Mom/have to be put down. :P