Ash vs Leatherface
Ash and Leatherface. The two most badass chainsaw wielding motherfuckers out there. Good enough reason to have them square off in a battle to the death on the big screen? I think so. Unlike a film like Freddy vs Jason, where neither of the two can really be killed, Ash vs Leatherface would be a legit death match where you know by the end of the film, one of your favorite horror icons is gonna bite the bullet...or should I say the chainsaw. But how do we get these two characters together in a believable way? I'm about to tell ya!
Ash vs Leatherface would take place after the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and of course after Army of Darkness. But Leatherface only has one arm at this point, ya dumb fuck, bet ya didnt think of that! Well actually I did and it's precisely the reason I wanna see this one.
Leatherface returns home after the events of the remake, sans arm, and seemingly forced into retirement from the killin business. What's he to do now? Ole Leatherface has naturally resorted to alcohol and pain pills to quell the pain and embarassment of a killing career lost. Momma to the rescue. Leatherface's mom is gonna have none of this business. She needs human meat to chown down on and she aint about to go hunting it down herself. Not to mention she can't stand to see her little boy in such a state of distress. So what does she do? She heads down into the basement and begins work on a chainsaw that can be fitted to Tommy's stump. I think you can begin to see where this is going. You can flush that whiskey and those pills down the toilet, big guy, you're back in business. Back and better then ever. So where does Ash come into play?
Well, it's been 15 years since Army of Darkness and, with a healthy pension from S-Mart, Ash has retired to Texas. Ash is now 50 years old and its been exactly 15 years since his chainsaw arm has been put to good use. I say good use because he has used it to chop down a tree on occasion. The arm is locked up in the basement to ensure that his young boy can not get his hands on it. Yes, Ash has been busy in the past several years. He's got a wife and a 12 year old kid, who is aptly named Ashley Jr. Well here's where things get ugly. Ash's wife goes out for a stroll in the countryside...and doesn't come back. When her body turns up it is determined that she died via chainsaw wounds. Ash goes on the hunt for the culprit, which leads him to the Hewitt residence. Time to dust off the ole chainsaw arm and get to slicin and dicin, baby.
So what do you think? Am I whacked out of my skull or does this sound like a pretty cool fuckin movie!? And who do you think would be triumphant? I see it going a little something like this...
...figuratively, of course.