Thursday, September 11, 2008
I just watched Hell Ride and I had a hell of a lot fun doing so...but not for the reasons you might be thinking...
Hell Ride is a film executive produced by Quentin Tarantino which centers around a bitter fued between biker gangs the Victors (Madsen, Balfour, Bishop) and the deadly 666'ers (Vinnie Jones, David Carradine). There's a couple other plot elements in there but im too drunk and the movie was far too stupid to deserve the mention. Tarantino stamped his name on this thing so it must have some merit, right? You could not be more wrong.
God damn, this movie sucks. Never have I seen a movie that is so uncool but so badly wants to believe it is cool. So why did I have so much fun watching it?
I have Bloody Disgusting to thank for that. They came up with a Hell Ride drinking game which effectively got me fucked up to the point that I had a good time picking on it/watching it with my friends. The rules were as follows :
1.Sip whenever a character says "fuck"
2.Take a sip for every boob you see
3.Sip whenever a gun is pointed. Drink if nobody shoots
4.Drink every time Larry Bishop is seduced and acts too cool for school
5.Drink everytime you catch something Bishop ripped off from Tarantino
6.Drink when someone is mortally wounded and don't stop until they actually die
7.Hell Chug! Every time there is a motorcycle montage of them riding with music, chug until the montage ends
8.End the pain! Drink whenever you're bored. You'll be blackout drunk by the 30 minute mark
You will get so drunk playing this game in the first 20 minutes that, by the end of the film, you will not only hate the movie, but you will hate drinking altogether.
Quentin Tarantino executive produced this piece of crap and the only reason I can think of him doing so is to help out his uncool friends. Within the first couple of minutes of the film, it becomes painfully obvious that it is a horrible Tarantino ripoff. From the music, to the dialogue, to the way it's shot, Hell Ride stinks of an amateur attempt to recreate a Tarantino film. If you can believe it, there's even a case in the film that you never find out the contents of! Sound familiar!? Hell Ride is essentially every cool movie ever made rolled into one...and it manages to be anything but cool!
The movie is full of tits and ass, which may seem exciting, but it's painfully obvious that such nudity is only in there to bring some level of entertainment to a piece of shit movie. Nudity and uncool biker dudes, do not a good movie make.
Larry Bishop (Kill Bill Vol. 2) wrote, directed, and starred in this hogwash and you'll be painfully aware of that fact real quick. There's not one scene of the film where he's not rubbing up against a hot chick and acting like he's the baddest motherfucker on the planet Earth. Only problem is, he's not. He's about the furthest thing from cool you could ever imagine. His fake looking evil magician beard, his absurd sexual innuendos, his ridiculous "badass" fake contacts, I don't think i've ever hated a character/actor more in my entire life.
It's hard out here for a pimp
The film also stars Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones, Eric Balfour, and even Dennis Hopper. It's becoming pretty clear to me that Madsen and Jones are only cool in films directed by cool directors. They really aren't too respectable on their own. As for Balfour and especially Hopper, can't you guys find some better material? David Carradine also has a brief appearance, only to further the wanna be Tarantino-ness.
^ needed a new wing on his house
This movie is so fucking embarassingly bad and so fucking uncool that, if it weren't for the drinking game I was engaged in, I would've fucking gouged my eyes out. Larry Bishop, you are not and never will be Tarantino, so give it up before you ever subject us to shit like this again. Let QT be QT and no one ever try to imitate him again.
At this point I am far too inebriated to waste my time dissecting this film any longer. Hell Ride hits dvd shelves October 28th and unless you plan on renting it and playing the drinking game till you can no longer stand, avoid this shit like the fucking plague. I now hate everyone that appeared in this movie. Shame on you all. Time to pass out...