Thursday, July 31, 2008

Straight Out Of A Horror Film

Two very interesting news stories were brought to my attention earlier this evening, with equally enticing headlines :

"Passenger decapitated on Greyhound bus" and "Dead monster washes ashore in Montauk."

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-First off in Manitoba, a 40 year old on a Greyhound bus traveling across Canada calmly sat next to a sleeping 19 year old kid and repeatedly stabbed him some 40 or so times. He then just as calmly beheaded and disembowled the kid. But that's just the beginning of this horrific story. After beheading the kid, the sick motherfucker taunted police while holding his severed head for some time before being apprehended. "We heard this blood-curdling scream and turned around, and the guy was standing up, stabbing this guy sitting next to him repeatedly, like 40 or 50 times," passenger Garnet Caton told the Canadian press. "When he was attacking him, he was calm - it was like he was at the beach," added Caton, who was sitting in front of the victim. "There was no rage or anything. He was just like a robot stabbing the guy." And no one did anything to stop the attack. 37 passengers. What a sick fucking world. All I can say is this dude must've just watched Hostel or something. Right, media? How long before they find a scapegoat in the form of a horror film for this tale? I don't think anyone could even write something this sick and gruesome...

-This next one is of particular interest to me given the fact that I have a particular affinity for and interest in Cryptozoological beasts and I live in Long Island, where this thing washed up. It seems some kind of strange dog/seal/dinosaur mutant has washed up on the shores of Montauk, less then 2 hours from where I currently am. Most interesting to note is that there is a government animal testing facility nearby on Plum Island. Hmmmm... Doesn't look photoshopped to me. Whatever the fuck this thing is, it's pretty horrific and pretty awesome that we finally get some Crypto activity in my area. The Montauk Monster, they're calling him. And he appears to be flipping us off. Is he the result of government testing gone wrong or some kind of viral marketing for a new horror film? Only time will tell. In the meantime, stay out of the water, Long Islanders.

What do you think this thing is?

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A new picture has surfaced!

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How Sweet, Dark Meat - Freddy's Top Five One Liners!

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Every horror fan has there favorite killer. For most its either Freddy, Michael Myers, Leatherface, or Jason Voorhees. For some it's the Leprechaun or even Gary Busey as a killer gingerbread man. Freddy has always been my favorite and there's many reasons why.

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My love started young

For starters, he speaks. He's got charisma. He's the class clown of Horror High. Freddy's one liners have over the years become part of my every day vernacular and there's certaintly enough of them to warrant a top 10 or even a top 20. But in the interest of keeping this short and sweet i've picked out my top 5 favorite Krueger one liners. Freddy pretty much speaks for himself, so i'll try to keep my boring commentary to a minimum.

#5 - Krueger Quotes Oz - Freddy's Dead : The Final Nightmare



Freddy flying by a window on a broom clad in full costume spouting Wicked Witch dialogue with his own Kruegerian twist. Music to my ears. Freddy don't want your dog. He just wants your soul.

#4 - Dream Cuisine - Nightmare 4 : Dream Master



Fred doesn't have a palate for pepporoni, sausage, or even anchovies on his pizza. No, no. He prefers little miniature human meatball heads. Soul food, indeed. It's because of this scene that I still to this day look down at my slice to make sure the toppings havent morphed into human heads before I take each bite. It's yet to happen, but i'm pretty convinced my time will come.

#3 - Freddy Teaches Sex-DEAD - Freddy vs Jason



I couldn't resist the Crypt Keeper esque corny headline, my apologies. My second choice was Cherry Poppin Freddy. Ole Fred was always keen on popping sexual jokes but that aint the only thing he's poppin in this one. Not too sure how much action our burnt friend gets these days, but something tells me intercourse with him tends to get a little messier then with most.

#2 - Your Big Break - Nightmare 3 : Dream Warriors



Welcome to primetime, bitch is one of Freddy's most well known and oft quoted lines. What more can I say. Not the big break she was looking for, eh? Perfect example of another big reason I love Freddy over the others ; he's one creative motherfucker. He's not just gonna pick up a sharp object and toss it through your heart. He's got a lot more pizzaz then that.

#1 - Where's The Fuckin Bourbon?! - Nightmare 3 : Dream Warriors



My favorite Krueger line of all time. Freddy doesn't fuck around and he certaintly doesn't wait on women. He wants his fuckin bourbon and he fuckin wants it right fuckin now! It's lines like these that continue to give me a hard on for the burnt faced freak. And I mean that in the most loving way possible. Move over Voorhees. Move over Myers. Freddy is the king of the hill and there's no taking him off his throne. Jason tried, but only proved that even a be-heading can't stop him.

Before I go, I must post one more video. It's not a Freddy quote, but it's perhaps my favorite quote from the entire franchise. It comes from Dream Warriors and Kincaid, played beautifully by Ken Sagoes (or as I call him "Ken Whatever I say-goes"), who I had the pleasure of meeting a while back. I was tempted to ask him to spout at least some small piece of this dialogue but ultimately I did not have enough alcohol in my system to make the demand. Enjoy this beautiful poetry :



Leave comments and post your favorite Freddy one liners below.

Fear Itself - Community

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Original airdate : July 24th (Episode 7)

Wow. This series sucks even harder then I thought it did. And I thought it sucked pretty hard.

"Community" is about a couple living in the city who decide they want to move into a nice community home and start a family. They find a place called "The Commons" which is more then eager to bring them into the fold. A low priced fully furnished home, an overagressive landlady, and creepy robot like neighbors. I think you can tell where this is headed. The townspeople also seem to be overly concerned with the couple having a child, even threatening foreclosure on their home if they can't produce. Ah, the American dream.

The premise for the story is somewhat of a good one. Sure its a similar idea that's been done to death in movies like The Stepford Wives and Body Snatchers, but it seemed like it had potentional. Done properly it could have been a very Twilight Zone esque story. Instead it falls short of even Outer Limits..the newer ones. This is a small nitpick when compared to the whole clusterfuck of other things wrong with this episode but it annoyed the shit out of me. There's a title card after almost every scene proclaiming things like "two weeks later," "two days later," "one day earlier." Jesus christ, shut the fuck up. I don't care what day it is, I just want this episode to end.

This episode stars Brandon "Superman" Routh, who manages to turn in one of the worst performances i've ever seen. I had no interest in seeing Superman Returns but it's pretty clear to me now that he was hired solely for his looks. It says a lot about the state of Hollywood when the biggest name actor in this episode is also the worst actor. Deadpan is the word i'm looking for. He almost sounds dubbed at times. I guess the Fear Itself producers just figured they'd thrown a known name into the mix to draw in viewers, whether he had any chops or not. Ironically enough, by the end of the episode, Routh ends up in a wheelchair ; much like his Superman predecessor. Insert Twilight Zone theme. Why couldn't this dude get thrown off the horse? I kid, I kid.

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So who directed this pure and utter piece of crap? Certaintly not the same person who wrote and directed American Psycho, right? Wrong. Mary Harron is her name and she's also written for some pretty big tv shows. She even directed one of my favorite episodes of Six Feet Under. I'm a big fan of American Psycho and an even bigger fan of Six Feet, so you could say up until this point I was on the Harron bandwagon...of which in the past hour I was unceremoniously thrown off. Looks like ole Mary may have drained all the wit and cleverness out of herself on American Psycho. Perhaps the fact that she didn't write this episode is the problem. Regardless, Fear Itself seems to be cancer for the careers of respectable filmmakers.

If you ever find yourself in this creepy commune situation, here's a little piece of advice. GET THE FUCK OUT! Didn't think of that, did ya Superman?

Episode 8 of Fear Itself, titled Skin & Bones, airs tonight on NBC at 10pm. This one's directed by Larry Fessenden who's probably most well known for Wendigo and who directed the new Ron Perlman flick, The Last Winter, which just hit dvd shelves a couple weeks back. Skin & Bones is about a cattle herder who returns a changed man after being lost in the woods for several days. I'll have a review up for it whenever I get around to watching.

Check out my reviews for past episodes :

Episode 2 - Spooked
Episode 4 - In Sickness & In Health
Episode 6 - New Year's Day

More Comic Conny Goodness

-Empire scored an exclusive look at the pretty cool looking poster for the more than likely flop remake of My Bloody Valentine...in 3D. Apparently, the MPAA rejected this poster.

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I'm all for some good old fashioned 3D horror, but if the remakes of the past have taught us anything, it's to not expect much from them. 10 years ago, there was a massacre on Valentine's Day that claimed the lives of 22 people. Now, Tom returns to his hometown and learns he is suspected of commiting the murders 10 years prior. The film will arrive in theatres January 16th. Have your 3D spectacles handy.

-The official website for the Friday the 13th remake has been launched. And here..we...go. It begins. You can check the site out HERE As of now it's more bare bones then a shitty dvd release, but as the folks over at Bloody Disgusting pointed out, the image on there makes the perfect desktop background. Keep your eye on that spot for updates.

-Last but certaintly not least, the first footage of the Wolf Man remake! In the form of a trailer -


This will probably be taken down soon as it already has been so watch it while ya can. I'll try to update and keep a working clip on here.

My knuckles are gettin hairy already.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Saw - Top 5 Most Badass Scenes

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Whether you're a fan of the Saw films or you think the new gore a minute horror films are giving the genre a bad name(fuck yaself), you can't deny the fact that the series always manages to provide the goods. The movies aren't always great, but you can bet your ass that when you watch a Saw movie, cool shit is gonna happen. With Saw 5 looming right around the corner this Halloween season, let's take a look back at my top 5 favorite scenes in the franchise.

#5 - Twisted Like a Pretzel - Saw 3

This is one of the most gruesome scenes in the entire series and certaintly the trap that sticks out the most in my mind. This dude is up in a device that Jigsaw calls "The Rack" First his arms get twisted the wrong way, snapping all of his bones clean out of his skin, then his legs, and finally the mans entire head gets Exorcisted...and does not come back. Gotta be the most painful and slow way Jigsaw has ever dispatched a victim. The whole scene goes on for almost 10 minutes, I only uploaded a select disgusting little tidbit.



#4 - Jigsaw Gets Sawed - Saw 3

Ah, the death of Jigsaw. Not by cancer like it seemed he was destined, but by the business end of a power saw. How fitting. To make this scene even cooler was the fact that this dude didn't realize his wife's little neck brace was hooked up to Jigsaw's heart rate. When he exacted his revenge on Jigsaw, his wife's head went kapootz. Not so beautiful anymore, is she?

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Still wouldn't kick her outta bed...

This scene really shocked me when I first saw it. The fact that Jigsaw had been killed off was completely unexpected and raised a lot of questions as to how the series would/could continue. A very cool scene, but ultimately resulted in the death of the franchise for me. Nice to see him killed off, sad to see him go. I really lost interest after not only Jigsaw but also Amanda were both wiped out. Saw 4 just didn't do too much for me.



#3 - Autopsy Turvy - Saw 4

The best scene in all of Saw 4. When I saw this right at the start of the film, my hopes were really high for the rest of it, but it was all down hill from here. The way this scene was filmed was incredible. It almost looks like a black and white scene, where only the blood is in color. Jigsaw's dead, he can't possibly cause any more chaos, right!? Wrong-o. Never a dull moment for the Jigger. A tape is found inside of his internal organs, which serves to continue his reign of terror. Even after death, he's still kickin' ass. Bravo. O, and we finally get to see his schween. Long time comin. No pun intended.



#2 - Open Head Insert Powerdrill - Saw 3

So Jigsaw's brain is herniating and it needs to be decompressed. How would one go about doing such a thing? Well, its a fairly simple process really. You remove a chunk of his head, drill holes in his skull, cut out a piece of said skull, and leave the brain exposed. All while he's awake. And all for our viewing pleasure. Now you can't just waltz a man like Jigsaw into the hospital, so it's all gonna have to be done in a grungy room without proper equipment and anasthesia. This scene goes on for about 5 minutes. We see and feel every agonizing second of the open head surgery and it is glorious. And you thought getting your teeth drilled was bad.



#1 - Jigsaw Rises From The Ashes - Saw

An obvious choice for coolest scene in the franchise, I know, but what can I say. This is the scene that more or less introduced us to Jigsaw and kickstarted the whole franchise. A brilliant Shyamalanian twist ending. Jigsaw has been lying "dead" right in front of our eyes for the entire film and we had no idea. This has to be the most badass introduction to a horror villian ever put on film. Really set the tone for the character. If this dude can pull this sleight of hand off, then the possibilites are endless. I still get goosebumps everytime I watch this scene...and maybe a little aroused.



That list looks about right to me. As you can tell, Saw 3 is my favorite of the series. The lack of Saw 2 on here is not cause I don't like it. There's some cool stuff in it (ie: needle pit..you're welcome for me not showing that, Trypanophobiacs) but nothing that made the cut. Saw 4 is my least favorite. They kept getting better until that one. Cannot deny the awesomeness of the Jigsaw autopsy however. While flawed (thanks Westley), i'm a big fan of the original Saw. The franchise as a whole is like I said ; not always the best movies, but damn me if they don't continue to entertain the hell out of me and keep my ass in the seat.

That about wraps that up. Leave comments and let me know your favorite Saw moments. And don't forget, Saw V hits theatres this October. O yes, there will be box office success. If you haven't seen the just released teaser trailer yet, check out my Comic Con coverage.

Halloween Comes Early

Time to make yet another slot on your dvd shelves for more Halloween dvd's. October 14th of this year, Anchor Bay will celebrate the 30th anniversary of Halloween like only they can ; yet another dvd release. Not that i'm complaining.

Anchor Bay's 30th anniversary commemorative box set will be a six disc affair and will include the following :

-Halloween Restored - the original 1978 film
-Halloween Extended Edition - Out of print for many years
-Halloween 4 : The Return of Michael Myers
-Halloween 5 : The Revenge of Michael Myers
-Halloween : 25 Years of Terror Documentary
-Halloween Blu-Ray

Ok, so maybe you already bought the new Halloween 4 and 5 dvd's and the 25 Years of Terror that Anchor Bay released not long ago. You already have 10 different copies of the original film on dvd. You own the blu-ray without even owning a blu-ray player because you're a Halloween completionist. Why should you buy this? Well, as an added incentive, only 20,000 sets are being released and each will be individually numbered. If that doesn't wet your panties, the set will also come with a Michael Myers replica mask! Check it out -

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MSRP is $89.99 but you can pre-order this set on Amazon right now for only $62.99 -

Halloween: 30th Anniversary Box Set

I'm still waiting for the complete franchise to be released in a single box set and may have to skip out on this one. Although once Halloween comes around, I may be singing a different tune. I have always craved a mini Shatner mask...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

F**k The World - New T-Rex Art

Rob Zombie has posted yet another piece of art from his upcoming film Tyrannosaurus Rex on his offical Myspace page :

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The plot of the film has still not been disclosed, but from what we've seen, T-Rex is one badass motorcyle riding, boxing, gun slingin motherfucker. The film will hit theatres sometime next year. Keep your eyes peeled on here and Zombie's Myspace page for any new developments.

Dimension Extreme(ly bad) - Triloquist

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Dimension Extreme seems to be pretty hit or miss, depending on who you ask. I've seen Inside, Teeth, Black Sheep and Storm Warning, all of which I felt were better then the average low budget horror fare, but many fans have come to see Dimension Extreme as a not so respectable label. Diary of the Dead was also released under the label, and you know by now my feelings on that one. From what i've seen, the decent outweighs the bad so i'm still eager to check out all the new releases.

Triloquist (2008) is about a killer ventriloquist dummy. When the mother dies, two young orphans (Norbert and Angelina ; an autistic mute and a blowjob offering curse a minute throwing slut) take possession of the dummy, aptly named "Dummy", and years later attempt to hit the road to Vegas to make it big. Leaving a trail of bodies in their wake, they also attempt to continue the family bloodline by kidnapping a young woman and impregnating her with Norbert's semen. Could make for a mildy amusing tale, eh?

Could, yes. But it doesn't. Not in the least. And it's kinda hard to not be at least mildly amusing in an hour and 15 minutes when you've got a killer dummy giving a guy a blowjob, incest, and a load of young female breasts. The film was written and directed by Mark Jones, the same guy who 15 years ago made Leprechaun and hasn't been heard from since. The movie is a horror/comedy but it completely fails on both fronts. It's not funny. It's not horrific. There's not even any blood and guts. Dimension Extreme? Hardly. In fact, you don't even see 90% of the kills that take place.

I barely finished this movie. The only thing keeping me going was the fact that I wanted to type up a fair review for it. Triloquist is chock full of annoying music and annoying characters. And one of them doesn't even speak. Guess you gotta give it a little credit for being the only film that i've ever seen which features a ventriloquist dummy voiceover. Other then that, there were maybe one or two slightly humorous scenes in the film. The best of which was this one :



At one point, Dummy exclaims "this is too stupid." I could not agree more. The perfect review of this film summed up in four words. I'm not so sure this movie wasn't written by the dummy himself. Big thumbs down for Dimension Extreme on this one.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Comic Con '08 Horror Roundup

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Haven't been home lately to update. No, this blog has not suffered the same fate as 90% of new blogs and died a fast death and no, I don't plan on letting that happen. Just got back from a long week of gambling at Mohegan Sun and then Camping upstate (didn't win any money and did get bitten by bugs, in case you were wondering) and I was greeted with tons of interesting and exciting news and updates from this years San Diego Comic Con, which took place over the weekend. So i've compiled all the good tidbits, without all the useless crap. Really, who cares about Vacancy 2 and when it comes out? Where to begin...

-First off, the teaser trailer for Saw 5 was premiered. Nothing too revealing, but it'll get your juices flowing for this upcoming Halloween season and the return of Jigsaw...or whoever that guy is that no one cares about who is continuing his work -



-Hills Have Eyes/High Tension director Alexandre Aja was there to talk about his upcoming film Mirrors and the 3D Piranha remake. Aja told Bloody Disgusting that Piranha will be "really fun and entertaining...in the vein of Dead Alive." Dead Alive is considered by most to be the goriest horror film of all time, so this is very positive news. Aja has never failed to deliver. Mirrors crashes into theaters August 15th.

-All Bruce Campbell lovers have been eagerly anticapting the arrival of My Name is Bruce. Written and directed by Campbell himself, the film is about a group of Campbell admirers who think the man is truly Ash, the heroic zombie slayer. When a demonic curse is unleashed in their small town, they kidnap Bruce to put an end to the curse and save the day, like he has done in so many low budget horror films. The film was finally given a release date, which looks like it will be November of this year. In addition, a trailer was unveiled -



-I mentioned a couple weeks back that Rob Zombie is turning his faux Grindhouse trailer Werewolf Women of the S.S into a comic book series. The art from the first issue of the series was shown. It features Hitler, angry nazi werewolves, and Sheri Moon in sexy lingerie...albeit in comic form....which may be even more exciting then the real thing to select comic geeks.

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-Of course, Nightmare on Elm Street remake buzz was among the hot topics being tossed around this year. While word is that Robert Englund will most likely not be reprising his role as Freddy Krueger, he would at least like to make a cameo. Platinum Dunes producer Brad Fuller says they would love to have him. Ya think? Englund in an Elm Street film not playing Freddy? That's pretty blasphemous. I'll see anything Elm Street, but I cannot support anyone else slapping on the Christmas sweater and razor glove. Although seeing Freddy face to face with Englund could be interesting. Platinum Dunes has yet to reach a deal with New Line to remake the film. Wes Craven has not been approached. In other Craven news, a remake of the People Under the Stairs is likely and just might be his next project. Hope hope.

-For the figure fans, a prototype of Neca's Exorcist Regan figure was unveiled. Finally, someone making Exorcist figures. Now if they can only make a cute little Regan doll that can actually urinate and spit up pea soup i'll be set...

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-What? No Friday the 13th remake news!? Of course there is, but I had to save the best for last. How about poster art, action figure images which show off Jason's slick new potato sack hood and masked look and even a clip from the film!

The poster is pretty bland, but really isn't this all we need? I think anything more would be too much. Let's hope this stays as the final art and we don't see a poster of a bunch of the teen stars floating heads against a black background.

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This is the prototype for Mezco's Jason remake figure. You can see both the traditional hockey mask look and the hooded look. In figure form, but this will give you a good idea of what Voorhee's will look like in the film.

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EDIT - Didn't realize in the week that I was gone a picture of the new Voorhees hit the net :

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And last but not least, the first clip of the film. The quality is pretty poor, but i'm sure all your eyes have adjusted to such quality from extended hours watching bootlegged copies of recently released in theatres horror films you bought off a bum in the city. This will look like HD to you (us) thieves...



This footage may be removed from Youtube, as it has been already before, but I will try to keep a working clip up here.

That about wraps it up from Comic Con this year. If anyone attended and has anything interesting to post that I didn't get to, let me know. Hopefully someday I can make the trek up there and get some first hand coverage.

O, and Vacancy 2 hits dvd stores January 20th of next year.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Can't Shutter Up

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Shutter (2008) is about a newlywed couple, Ben and Jane, who travel to Japan for Ben's latest photography assignment. Sort of a Lost in Translation gone horribly wrong. On the way they hit a strange Japanese woman who mysteriously pops up in the middle of the road. No sign of her can be found and she begins to haunt the couple, appearing in all of their photos. But there's more to this story then meets the eye. Ben previously lived in Japan and dark secrets from his past begin to unfold. Who is this mysterious woman and why is she terrorizing this happy couple? And why am I watching this movie?

I will say I have never seen the original Japanese film of which this one is a remake of. Judging by the trailers for this, it looked to be your typical cookie cutter lame American remake of a successful Japanese ghost film. And that's exactly what it was. How many times can we see this same tired old formula. The Ring. The Grudge. Pulse. It's all the same shit and i'm goddamn sick of it. Although I guess no one is forcing me to watch this crap...

Yes, Japanese girls are creepy. Yes its creepy when they pop up suddenly in the middle of the road. Yes its even creepier when they appear behind us in photos. We get it. Move along now. These films just bore me to tears. In fact i've never even been too keen on the Japanese originals. Just doesn't do it for me. I can say though that i'm a big fan of the original Eye. That movie scared the crap out of me.

Don't do bad things to Japanese girls. And don't do bad things to yourself. Stay away from this one. And can we keep Joshua Jackson out of horror films? He just rubs me the wrong way.

I uploaded the alternate ending from the unrated dvd if anyone's interested in checking it out:



A bit alarming, but I took a picture of myself shortly after watching this film. Something odd showed up, but i'm sure it's just the lighting in the garage...

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O, Grandma

If you'd like to create your own Shutterized ghost photo, I also uploaded this little helpful tutorial for you. Enjoy. And have fun making your family believe your long dead great grandmother is haunting you. I know I will.

More Writing in the Diary of the Dead

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I never thought i'd see the day when news of a new George Romero zombie film did not excite me. I'm a huge fan of Night, Day, Dawn, hell I even liked Land. But I draw the line at Diary of the Dead. I found the movie to be terrible, almost as bad as the Day of the Dead remake.

Well, thanks to an inside scoop from website Dread Central, it has been pretty much confirmed that Romero will begin filming Diary of the Dead 2 in September. The film is set to be a continuation of the first, where the survivors make their way to an abandoned ferry and cruise to a remote island, only to discover that it's been overrun by the dead. Sounds more like a sequel to the Dawn remake...

I love ya Georgie, but Diary was absolutely terrible. Can he redeem himself with part 2 or will Diary forever remain the film where Romero finally jumped the undead shark? Only time will tell. At this point i'd love to see him make a non-zombie film.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Fear Itself - New Year's Day

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So I think i've established the fact that based on the two episodes of Fear Itself i've seen, the show pretty much sucks. But this weeks episode was directed by Darren Bousman and for me that's enough to draw me in. Bousman directed Saw 2,3, and 4 and most recently directed the hotly anticipated Repo : The Genetic Opera. Being a big fan of the Saw films and of Bousman himself, I was pretty excited about this one and hopeful that he could inject some credibility into the series. But would he be any good without the reliance of extreme gore, which obviously NBC would not allow?

Bousman's episode is titled New Year's Day and centers around a woman who wakes up after a long night of partying on New Year's day in a post-apocalpytic world overrun by zombies. Talk about a bad hangover. Zombies...Bousman...how can you go wrong?

Well, something went wrong somewhere. While this episode is far better then the previous two I have seen (In Sickness and In Health/Spooked), it ultimately falls flat. The episode starts off pretty good and remains halfway decent throughout...until the end. A lame twist ending took this one from mediocre to bad for me.

New Year's Day also suffers from those dreadful "Saw" flash cuts, and a lot of them. They worked for Saw, but do we really need to see them in everything this guy makes? Incredibly annoying if you ask me.

I can say there's definetly more blood and guts in this one then the others, which is a good thing. The main character (Briana Evigan) is pretty hot and makes an incredibly sexy...well, if I finished that sentence i'd be spoiling the whole episode. Other then that, there's really not too much appeal in this episode. A marked improvement over the other installments i've seen in the series, but a dud nonetheless.

Friday the 13th Remake - First Picture of Jason Voorhees!

Entertainment Weekly's latest issue has the first picture, albeit a very tiny picture, of Jason Voorhees from the upcoming Friday the 13th remake :

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Also check out the MTV first look at the film, which features behind the scenes footage and even a look at Voorhees' new mask!



The movie, directed by Marcus Nispel, hits theaters Friday February the 13th of next year.

Nispel previously directed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which gives me high hopes for this film. Jason Voorhees back on the big screen on Friday the 13th..i'm getting wet already.

Keep your eye on this blog for the latest coverage of the Friday redux.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Maneater Series : Croc

If you've been into your local dvd store in the past couple months and were granted with the gift of sight at birth, you've probably come across what is being called the "Maneater Series" (aka how to take a shitty sci-fi original picture and make it somewhat appealing via a slipcover and a snappy emblem.) This is a collection of several horror films centered around large (cgi) animals terrorizing comparably smaller humans. They tend to feature B-D list celebs such as Gary Busey, Daryl Hannah, and that dude from Dawson's Creek. These really caught my eye for a few reasons. One, because the covers on all of them are pretty cool looking and pretty much demand attention and certaintly stick out in the crowd and two, i'm a sucker for anything involving savage beasts tearing apart human beings. It's always been one of my favorite types of movies to watch. Call it a guilty pleasure. The Maneater Series has films about spiders, bears, octopi, sabretooth tigers, sharks, monkeys, you name it. Any animal that can conceivably kill a human, they've made a film about it. I'm also a sucker for sea creatures, given I have an incredible fear of the open water and all it's slimy inhabitants. Which brings us to my first foray into the Maneater Series...

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I'll watch anything that promises me a poorly computer animated crocodile and bloodshed. SuperCroc, DinoCroc, Croc A Doodle Doo, i'm there. Sadly, Croc did not in any way satiate my appetite for sea creatures on the loose.

Croc (2007) is of course about a giant killer crocodile terrorizing a community. Michael Madsen plays Croc, yes that's his name, a Steve Irwin/Robert Shaw of sorts who has a history with this particular croc and sets out to put an end to it. He doesn't want the reward, he just wants sweet revenge. Mixed in with that are a few other muddled sub plots, but who really gives a shit about those in this case.

Speaking of these sub plots, they basically dominate the entire first half of the film. It doesn't become about the titular croc until a good 30-40 minutes in. Tsk tsk. Isn't this a movie about a killer goddamn crocodile?

The croc is, as expected, not so good looking. He's a hybrid of bad cgi, bad stock footage, and bad rubber croc props. Due to this mixture of sources for our angry friend, his size never quite remains consistent. In one scene he looks like your typical croc you'd see at the aquarium, the next he's massive. There's also the problem of scene cutting in order to hide the fact that a good croc could not be afforded. This is a major problem in nearly every low budget monster film. You never really see human and croc in the same shot. You see a man swimming, cut to stock footage of a crocodile, back to man swimming, back to croc, man starts thrashing around. It just makes it impossible to feel the terror you're supposed to feel. Now Jaws on the other hand, you see that fucker up close and personal face to face with the actors. That's what I like to see.

And now for a break in reading, here's a particularly humorous scene where a man does not see a giant 20 foot croc at the bottom of his crystal clear pool :



The acting is expectedly bad. The villains in the film are particulary horrible. Picture Harold and Kumar trying to act threatening. Michael Madsen phones in his typical performance. A couple one liners here and there, sounding like he just smoked two dozen packs of cigarettes and chewed on a handful of gravel. These days, the name Virginia Madsen piques my interest more then Michael.

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"You gonna bark all day little croc-y..or are you gonna bite?"

O did I mention the movie never even reaches a conclusion? A tiny tiny explosive is detonated in the croc's mouth and our heroes drive off in their boat like they just Roy Scheidered the fuckin thing to pieces. The croc is never even killed as far as I could see. Perhaps the most unsatisfactory ending since High Tension.

So is there anything good about this movie? No, there's not. There's no level of b-movie fun whatsoever. It's not so bad it's good. You can't drink a few beers with your friends and get a kick out of it. It's just plain bad. The only positive thing I can say is that the cinematography was kinda nice. That and a little annoying kid gets eaten. Not that I had high hopes for the Maneater series, but i'm having second thoughts about checking them all out....Ah, who am I kidding. More Maneater reviews will surely follow.

The Dark Knight - First Six Minutes!

Check out the awesome first six minutes of The Dark Knight :



So it's not exactly horror, but so the fuck what...I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didnt have some kind of coverage for this movie. This just might turn out to be the best movie ever created by man and i'm not just saying that cause Heath Ledger's no longer with us...not that it hurts...

The Dark Knight hits theaters this Friday. Get your tickets now, they're selling out fast!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

He'll Huff And Puff And Rip Your Guts Out

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Big Bad Wolf (2006) is at first glance your typical werewolf film and your typical horror film. A group of cliche fraternity pals (the kind of kids you just cant wait to see get ripped limb from bloody limb) use their geeky school mate to gain access to his dad's remote cabin in the woods. They were even directed there by the stereotypical creepy old dude, played by Clint Howard as usual. While the breakfast club is enjoying their alcohol and sex fueled romp in the cabin, a werewolf pops up and tears through the majority of them. Now, geeky school mate and his motorcycle riding dyke-ish friend who may or may not enjoy the company of females must prove that it was in fact a werewolf that killed their buds, and that it was in fact the dorks step-dad who is the werewolf, and they must put an end to said werewolf once and for all.

So is it your typical garden variety werewolf film? No, it really isn't. Other then movies like An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, and Dog Soldiers, there really aren't too many if any at all werewolf films that i've been into. It's mostly the same old boring crap over and over. Bad costumes, bad transformation scenes, bad acting and bad uses of silverware. Not that this film does not possess all of those qualities. But Big Bad Wolf brings something new to the mix. A talking werewolf. The Freddy Krueger of werewolves, if you will. This wolf spouts off witty one liners that have as much bite as his...bite. He even sounds exactly like Freddy. But that's not the only new thing this movie brings to the table, oh no. How about a werewolf taking the virginity of a young girl? Talk about having your cherry popped. Or a werewolf getting a blow job?

Ya I said it. At one point in the film, after exhausting their options of finding adequate dna to prove that geeky school mate's step-dad is the werewolf, motorcyle riding dyke friend comes up with an alternative. She sucks the werewolf's peen and spits his animal semen into a coffee mug. Voila. Unfortunately, at the time of this blowjob the werewolf is in man-form. Ah, the age old question. If you blow a werewolf when he's a man, is it still considered beastiality?

So is the movie any good? It suffers the same fate that I see so many horror movies suffer from. A solid gory opening, a boring middle, and another solid gory ending. Is that the equation for a good horror movie? Not particularly, but there was definetly an enjoyability factor in this movie. There was good gore when it came. There was a castration, several beheadings, a head ripped in half at the mouth (perhaps where Hatchet drew its inspiration) , and a more then pleasing amount of beastiality. So how can I say it sucked. The gory beginning and end of the film is enough to merit a viewing in my opinion. Too much human, not enough werewolf. The movie could have been a lot more entertaining if it kept up the pace of the opening, but I guess you have to have some exposition, right? Then again i've always felt horror movies like this should just keep the blood and boobs flowing for the entire run time.

If you care, keep your eye out for a cameo from American Werewolf's David Naughton as a cop.

Scream A Little More

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Today it was announced that the Weinstein Company has signed a 7 year film deal with Showtime that will begin in 2009. There are 95 films that are part of this deal including Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards, Alexandre Aja's Pirahna 3D, the Scanners remake, and, to the surprise of many, Scream 4.

No details have been announced, but it looks like Ghost Face will once again be gracing the big screen with his presence. Whether or not this is a good thing is up to who you ask. I personally feel the third entry was a bit of a stretch and will be interested to see if and how another installment can be pulled off. The series seems to get worse and worse as the sequels go on, but maybe it can be revived.

Whether you like Scream or not, you cannot discredit the fact that the film single handedly revived the horror genre in the mid 90's. Scream, released in 1996, was the biggest horror hit in more than a decade and paved the way for a whole new slew of horror movies which we are still seeing to this day. It also brought on a whole new wave of horrible copycat movies, but that's to be expected. Sadly, it may have proven to be Wes Craven's last hurrah as a respected filmmaker.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Werewolf Women Of The S.S - The Comic

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Rob Zombie revealed in his latest blog entry that his Grindhouse faux trailer, Werewolf Women Of The S.S, is being turned into a comic book series. While plans for a real feature film have been talked about, no plans have been set yet, but this is definetly a step in the right direction. The trailer was about the nazi's plan to create a race of super werewolf soldiers. Zombie says ; "The wacky exploits of Commandant Hess, Lt. Boorman, Von Strasser Eva and Gretchen Krupp, Fu Manchu and even Hitler will be coming you way. Everything you ever wanted to know about Project Pure Wolf but were afraid to ask!"

If you've been living under a rock and haven't seen the trailer or just want to revel in it's glory once more, you can check it out HERE

Robert Rodriguez is currently working on turning his Grindhouse trailer Machete into a real movie, which will be straight to dvd.

I'm So Hungry, I Could Eat A Whore

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Microwave Massacre. The worst horror movie of all time? It's certaintly up there. Although, it's not so much a horror movie as it is a sleazy dark comedy with some cannibalism thrown into the mix. If the director of a film proudly exclaims it as being the worst horror film of all time as part of the advertising, it must be pretty bad, right?

Check out the TRAILER

I would post it right on here, but there's a little boobage and i'm a blogger abiding citizen.

I could pretty much write the review for this film solely based on watching the trailer. It's one of those.

Microwave Massacre (1983) is about a construction worker, Donald, who's wife has just purchased a huge microwave/oven looking contraption. Along with this purchase, his wife has decided to cook healthier and more outside the box. Donald does not like this. He wants man food. The kind of food he can eat with his hands. In fact, he prefers dog food sandwiches over his wife's chow. One night Donald comes home drunk and decides he has had enough. He kills his wife and ends up "accidently" cooking her up. See, he has mixed her hand in with the other meats in the freezer. Common mistake. Ole Don loves the taste and can't get enough. Only problem is his wife's meat is a little too tough and old. So he does what any self respecting man in this situation would do ; kill some young whores and cook them up in his wife's new microwave. Donald even ends up turning his construction friends on to the mystery meat.

Donald happens to be played by Jackie Vernon. A quick search on Imdb will reveal the horrifying fact that this is the same Jackie Vernon who voiced everyones favorite snowman, Frosty. A bit ironic considering a microwave is pretty much Frosty's kryptonite. In case you couldn't already tell, this film will single handedly rape you of all childhood goodness and warmth that was derived from Frosty the Snowman. Behind every lovable character is a creepy old cannibal, kids. To make matters even worse, Vernon died of a heart attack a few years after the release of this film and it will forever remain his last film appearance. Some reports indicate that Vernon's heart simply erupted upon the realization of what his career had come to, but this is mere rumor.

On to the movie. The sleaze is literally dripping down the screen during this one. The kind of a movie where a shower is required after viewing. There's enough sleaze and gratuitious nudity to make it comparable to a 70's softcore porn film. In fact, i've seen classier double penetration snuff films. And I think there'd be more self respect in starring in one of those. The acting, especially from Mr. Vernon, is worse then any sci-fi original film that has ever been made. This movie looks like it was made with a budget scraped together from pocket change. It may well be one of the worst films of all time. Not that it's completely without charm. Granted, I have a deep love in my heart for horrible atrocious horror films and anyone with the least bit of taste will find no redeeming qualities in it, but I can't say I wasn't slighty...very slightly...entertained. There's even a scene where Donald spreads mayonnaise onto a woman's nude body that is, dare I say, somewhat sexy. Ok the movie fuckin sucks, but as a horror fan I always seem to feel the need to dig and find the least bit of charm in every shitty little movie I see.

Now obviously the director was not trying to give Scorsese a run for his money. This movie is supposed to be bad. And it admirably succeeds in that. But good god, the image of Frosty fucking a whore is never going to leave my mind...

If ya got an hour and change to spare and want to subject yourself to the worst of the worst cinema has to offer, Microwave Massacre is available for instant viewing on Netflix.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Haven't I Seen That Before?

Are you ever watching a horror film and during a certain scene get a sudden sense of deja vu? You have seen this before, but you can't remember where. Filmmakers, especially horror filmmakers, who have a deep love for the genre, tend to put clever little winks and nods into their own films. Sometimes, they even replicate an entire scene from their favorite classic horror film. Quentin Tarantino tends to do this quite often, which angers some. I personally love to see directors throw little references in their films. Little things that only diehard lifelong fans will be able to pick out. So let's pick some out!

Eli Roth comes from the Tarantino school of thought. You can catch many many horror references in his films, namely Cabin Fever. This one's rather obvious if you've seen both films, but the perfect example to show ya what I mean.

In one of the final scenes in Cabin Fever, Jeff, the sole survivor of the flesh eating virus, is triumphant. He has been spared. He's survived the whole messy ordeal and nothing can stop him. He's on top of the world. Until the pigs show up. Thinking Jeff is infected, or perhaps just a tad bit too trigger happy, they shoot Jeff dead and toss his body into the fire.



Where have we seen that before?

Ah yes, George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead. This time it's Ben. After surviving a zombie outbreak, Ben is shot down by a bunch of pigs and yep, tossed onto a fire.



Eli Roth, obviously a big fan of Night of the Living Dead, rehashed the ending to the film for his own film debut. An homage. It's not Roth running out of ideas and stealing an ending from another film to meet his deadline like some people seem to think. And Night of the Living Dead is not the only film he homaged. Cabin Fever also contains references to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Shining, The Thing, and even Tommy Boy. Can you spot them? Leave a comment if you can.

Even More T-Rex Art

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Rob Zombie keeps it comin. Gotta love this kind of vague marketing. Wrestler, boxer, biker, all three? Just what the hell is T-Rex!? Given Sheri Moon has already been cast, you can bet your ass that that's her on the back of the bike as Rex's right hand lady.

Looking forward to many more hints and clues in the months, and even year to come. T-Rex is slated for release August of next year.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

A True Nightmare

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I feel it is my duty as a horror fan to spread the word on this.

It seems a diehard Tara Reid fan has started a petition for her to get a role in the upcoming Nightmare on Elm Street remake. In retaliation, Mr. Disgusting over at Bloody Disgusting started an opposing petition, to keep her out of Elm Street.

SIGN

The petition for Tara Reid has 741 signatures, while the petition against her has only 341. Granted they had a head start, but we all need to rally together and dodge this bullet. I always thought New Nightmare was Freddy jumping the shark....let's not make it any worse. Let's just bring in Uwe Boll to direct, why dont we? I don't have much faith in the power of petitions, but I thought this was pretty funny nonetheless.

Take A Ride Into Hell

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Quentin Tarantino, Dennis Hopper, Vinnie Jones, David Carradine and Michael Madsen....need I say more?

Set for release August 8th, the Tarantino produced Hell Ride centers around the biker gang of Pistolero (Larry Bishop), Comanche (Eric Balfour), and The Gent (Madsen) who set out to avenge the murder of one of their members at the hands of the deadly 666ers. As expected, all hell breaks loose along the way. Bikes, beer, and booty!



Who said grindhouse cinema was dead! Despite the flop of Grindhouse, Tarantino clearly still has faith in those style films, and lets bow before him for that.

A short very positive review of the film is available on the site comingsoon.net :

"Although there is enough sex, violence, and all-out machismo to keep grind-house fans firmly plastered to their seats, Larry Bishop's take on the genre strays far from exploitation as he weaves a twisting, multilayered tale of revenge, loyalty, and brotherhood that is brought to life by a superb ensemble cast, with memorable performances by Dennis Hopper, Vinnie Jones, and David Carradine. In the words of Comanche, "The road to hell is paved with anything but good intentions."

Bring it on. Although reviews pretty much everywhere else have been downright dreadful, I can't see how this film can possibly fail to at the very least entertain its target audience. But i've been wrong before.

Whether or not Hell Ride will go straight to dvd on August 8th or be release theatrically seems to still be up in the air. I think its safe to assume it will be straight to dvd however, where it will find its audience and make a lot more money then in the theatres.

The Ruins Alternate Ending

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Spoilers ahead - skip past this post if you haven't seen the film and come on back when you have

Saw The Ruins in the theatre and dont care to shell out the cash for the dvd but want to see the alternate ending? Well, there are essentially three endings to The Ruins. There's the original theatrical ending. The uncut dvd ending. And the alternate ending.

If you've seen the film you know that in the theatrical ending, Jena Malone drives off, away from harm, and two new people arrive at the site of the ruins, fates in question.

The uncut dvd ending is essentially the same thing, except for the fact that as Jena Malone is driving off, we see a tight shot on her face with several small vines popping up under her eyelid, showcasing the fact that nobody survives the ruins.

And then there's the following alternate ending, which is pretty different from what you've already seen before.



I feel this is the best ending of the three and should have been included in the theatrical cut. At the very least, we should've seen a vine pop up on Jena Malone, I was waiting for it. Was that small little detail too much to be shown in theatres? I think not. It's merely an attempt to satisfy fans with the dvd cut so that they have to go out and buy it. If I were in a charge a huge vine would shoot out of her eyeball, causing her to drive the jeep off a huge cliff, but thats just me.

The unrated dvd also includes three deleted scenes, behind the scenes featurettes, and director/editor commentary.

On somewhat of a side note, I keep getting asked over and over if The Ruins is any good. Is it worth a rent. Yes, it definetly is. I don't quite have the desire to type up a full review, partially because I saw it months ago and it's not fresh it my mind, mostly because i'm a lazy fucker. But I think actions speak louder then words. If you're doubting the awesomeness of this film, i've uploaded the following clip to tempt you. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Is That Otis Movie Any Good?

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Why yes, yes it is. Quite good in fact. First off, if you haven't yet, check out the trailer:



Otis is about a man, aptly named Otis, who kidnaps women and traps them in his basement, forcing them to act out his boyfriend/girlfriend high school fantasies. He just want's to take one of these girls to the "prom", which in this case occurs in his dark dank basement. Problem is, none of them seem to make it to prom without trying to escape and therefore getting killed in the process. In comes Riley, a sweet young girl and new apple to Otis' eye. Only problem is, Otis has just fucked with the wrong family on this one.

The film stars Daniel Stern, Illeana Douglas, Kevin Pollak, and newcomer Bostin Christopher as Otis. Christopher turns in a performance that will cement his place in the world of typecasted creepy large men in cinema. Seeing Home Alone's Daniel Stern is, for me, worth the price of admission. You may even recognize Riley, played by Ashley Johnson, as Chrissy Seaver from Growing Pains.

Otis is basically Lord of the Flies in a suburban environment. Well, not basically, that's exactly what it is. A family degenerating into brutal savagery. This movie is incredibly enjoyable as a nice little horror/comedy perv piece, but if ya wanna dig deep, you can also find some social commentary regarding the good ole United States. I prefer to keep it simple. Suprisingly, the soundtrack for this movie is even really good. Seemingly endless classic rock songs for your hearing pleasure.

Overall, a hell of a fun film. A true cult classic. The kind of film that keeps the torch lit for straight to dvd movies. They're not dead yet...

Pick it up on dvd today!

"The Tarantino Murders"

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French Students' Slayings Shock London

LONDON (July 8) - The tabloids are calling them the "Tarantino murders."

The two young Frenchmen, promising research students at one of Britain's top universities, had been bound and stabbed repeatedly in the head, neck and torso before their bodies were doused in fuel and set alight. A senior Scotland Yard detective said their wounds were the worst he had ever seen.


This is the first thing I saw when I logged onto the interweb tonight. Yet another case of the media using a violent film to explain away the actions of sick motherfuckers in this world.

Among the images of this story, showing the crime scene and the murderers, is this famous picture of Sam Jackson and John Travolta from Pulp Fiction.

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Under it, this caption:

British tabloids have dubbed the slayings the "Tarantino murders" because they were a seemingly senseless burst of brutality reminiscent of a Quentin Tarantino film. Here, John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson are seen in Tarantino's 1994 film "Pulp Fiction

Pardon me? So that would mean that any "senseless burst of brutality" and thereby any act of crime post 1992 would rest on the shoulders of Quentin Tarantino ; a film director? Now if you're gonna make that connection, at least do your research and connect this crime to Reservoir Dogs, wherein a man did actually get tortured and then set on fire. But i'm sure the ones who dubbed this crime the Tarantino Murders have never even seen any of his films.

Jesus christ I know everyone loves to slap the Tarantino name all over everything in order to draw in an audience, but this is the lowest case of that I have ever seen. I'm talking lower then slapping his name on The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly dvd cover simply because he enjoyed the film. Like that movie needed any more praise ;)

This kind of reporting gives off the idea that the guy who did this was completely normal...until that fateful day when he went to his local video store and rented a Tarantino film. And then, everything went wrong inside his head. Let's not acknowledge the fact that this is a sick world full of sick people. Let's instead place all the blame for the corruption of us all on filmmakers and musicians and anyone else we can find the most remote of connections to.

Give me a fuckin' break...

Time to go watch Kill Bill and slice up a hundred or so Yakuzas...

Not Just Any T-Rex

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New art from Rob Zombie's upcoming film Tyrannosaurus Rex has hit the net :

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Details on the film are still sketchy and in the dark. Some have speculated that the film is based on Rob Zombie's comic book The Nail, which was about a pro wrestler named Rex on the run from a satanic biker gang. While it seems fairly obvious that the comic will be the basis for this film, Zombie has denied these rumors. Looks like Rex could be a boxer. Perhaps a slight tweak on the comic book. No matter what it's about, the movie is set to hit theaters on August 28th of next year.

Rob's wife, Sheri Moon, has already been announced as being in the film. No Suprise there. You can probably expect to see Zombie collaborators Danny Trejo, Ken Foree, Bill Moseley and Sid Haig in it also.

House of 1000 Corpses and Devil's Rejects are two of my favorite horror films in the past several years. It looks like Rob is leaving the mess of Halloween behind him and giving us one hell of a show once again.

Sexiest Horror Babes - Part 2!

Now with videos!

Scroll down for #10-6...

#5 - Amanda - Shawnee Smith - Saw 3



Sure, she was in the previous two Saw films, and will probably somehow posthumously be in the next eight, but it wasn't until Saw 3 that Amanda truly showed off her stuff. A short haired Amanda getting thrown into a pit of needles may be frigtening, but its not exactly sexy. If you can look past the dozen or so diseases she must have as a result of that scene, you probably found yourself oddly turned on by Amanda's insanity in part 3. Turned on in the sense that you're not sure if you wanna take her to the bedroom or stick a screwdriver in her neck. Plus, she's a cutter. What's sexier then that? My opinion of Shawnee may be biased due to the fact that I used to watch Summer School what seemed like several times a month in my youth. I bow to the altar of Mark Harmon.

#4 - Cherry Darling - Rose McGowan - Planet Terror



I have to preface by saying I find Rose McGowan incredibly irritating. I'm not all that fond of the woman. But ever since she appeared on that red carpet with Marilyn Manson in a see through dress, i've had a little thing for her. Irritating or not, Rose McGowan with a machine gun leg saving the world from a zombie plague is pretty fuckin sexy. As you can tell from this list, I seem to have a fetish for women with heavy artillery in place of appendages. Go figure. Planet Terror director Robert Rodriguez and McGowan have been dating as of late, and he's got her slated to appear in his next few films, continuing her action heroine status. The latest rumor however is that the two have split. Which would pretty much mean the end of her career...unless a Charmed movie gets made.

#3 - Baby Firefly - Sheri Moon Zombie - The Devil's Rejects




One of the obvious choices to be on this list, every horror geek is currently in love with Rob Zombie's wife. This fascination started with House of 1000 Corpses, but didn't truly peak until Devil's Rejects. Some claim that Sheri was a porn star who Rob discovered. These same people also claim that Michael Bay directed 9/11. These rumors are of course false, so quit searching for those videos. As long as Rob and Sheri stay together, we can look forward to many many more appearances from her in all of his upcoming films.

#2 -Slack - Asia Argento - Land of the Dead



Forgive me for mentioning a Vin Diesel movie in this blog, but I must. Prior to seeing XXX, I was under the impression that Dario Argento's greatest creation was Suspiria. As much as I love that film, I now realize it is his daughter, Asia, that is his finest accomplishment. And he's not too good looking of a man. When she's not busy getting raped in films directed by her father, Asia even makes some pretty good movies of her own. I suggest you check out The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things. In my opinion, Asia is the sexiest woman in Hollywood. In a sense, she is the horror movie worlds answer to Angelina Jolie. That being said, nobody can ever trump #1 for me...

#1 - Elvira - Cassandra Peterson - Elvira, Mistress of the Dark



Elvira was my first crush as a youth and she still manages to endure the passage of time and look as good as ever to this day. From her campy sense of humor to those two big chemical balls plastered on her chest, Elvira will perhaps always be at the top of my celebrity fantasy spank bank. She made those terrible b-movies sexy and worth watching. In full costume, she has never appeared nude, but if you search around under her real name, you will find a few goodies. Then again if she was in full costume, I suppose she wouldn't be nude. Seek them out and enjoy.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Kickin' It With Krueger

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Horror fans popped a collective boner when Nike announced their "horror pack." Sneakers based on Nightmare on Elm Street, Dawn of the Dead, and Friday the 13th. The only one's that really caught my eye and conveyed what they were representing, were the "Freddy Krueger's". The shoes that Freddy would rock if he had any sense of style. They were beautiful. Covered in blood and featuring Freddy's trademark red and green christmas sweater design. The Nike symbol is silver, perhaps representing the blades of Freddy's glove. Even the insides were made to look like Fred's burnt skin. I had to have them. But before they were to be released this Halloween season, Nike pulled the plug on my hopes and dreams. Due to copyright issues, the shoes were cancelled, never to be released.

However, earlier this year, the shoes began to pop up on the black market of the internet, e-bay. Apparently, trial pairs must have been sent out and some lucky folks were able to get their hands on them. Although I prefer to think that a very ambitious and super-heroic horror fan broke into the Nike factory in a Freddy mask and red and green cape and released them all from their cages for all of us to enjoy. Although if i'm any indication, horror fans are not so ambitious. My hope had been restored. Of course, I had no money and these things cost a pretty penny. That's where my loving lady friend and my birthday come into play. I just recieved my pair in the mail today and I have the sudden urge to slap on a fedora and molest children. Among other things that will not be spoken of and would not be wise to do while wearing a Freddy glove...

Be careful with buying these shoes on e-bay. There are a lot of scummers out there who are selling the shoes without even really possessing them, so make sure you find someone with good feedback and with pictures of his own. Get them now while ya can, cause chances are they will never be officially released. And you can't have mine.

Two thumbs up, Nike.
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Thursday, July 3, 2008

Moseley Is Back!

Bill Moseley returns to the big screen this coming winter, with Dead Air!

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Genre fav. Moseley plays Logan Burnhardt, a Howard Stern of sorts ; king of the airwaves. A terrorist attack unleashes a plague of bloodthirsty zombies and Logan vows to stay on the air...for as long as possible.

Visit the official website: Dead Air for more information as well as a full trailer!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Sexy Zombie...No, No, Don't Bite That

Horror movies are primarily known for and loved for two main components. Violence and women. Women committing or being the victims of acts of violence. Scantily clad women screaming and running for their lives. Naked women wearing nothing but a coat of blood. Ideally, all of those combined, with maybe a plot development or two thrown in just for fun. But let's not be greedy...

Now I bring to you, your whackoff material for the night...

The Top 10 Sexiest Horror Vixens!

#10 - Asami - Ami Hyuga - The Machine Girl

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Secretly, everyone has a weak spot for Asian women. That cute little girl cooking up your wonton soup, you know you've wanted to take her home and show her to your parents. Now, a sexy asian woman with a machine gun for an arm? Well, you just can't top that. See, Asami was captured by a group of thugs who removed one of her arms. She seeks revenge, but as her normal self, she's not really too effective. She soon finds herself in over her head and minus her left arm. Two garage mechanics fit her with a machine gun arm, and the rest is history.

Asami takes great pleasure in amassing a body count that rivals Rambo. And she looks great all along the way. Not that Rambo didn't....Sure it's a rip off of Planet Terror, which was essentially a take on Evil Dead 2's chainsaw arm, but one cannot deny that this is one sexy asian. Just don't piss her off...By the way, if you havent seen the movie, check it out. It's the Story of Ricky of the 2000's.

#9 - Mrs. Bathory - Monika Malacova - Hostel : Part 2

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Don't strain your eyes to catch a little nipple, you won't find it. I can't get booted off blogger just yet. Sure, she only appeared in one brief scene in the film but for me, she stole the entire mediocre movie. Obviously a take on the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, Mrs. Bathory, or as I refer to her, the blood bitch, is a paying customer at Elite Hunting. She doesn't just want to walk into a room and put a bullet in someones head. She wants to bathe in the blood of a virgin. And she does it all nude. Slicing and dicing and enjoying every drop of blood on her beautiful naked body. She even enjoys drinking the blood. If that doesn't get ya off, you might want to question your sexuality. Or maybe you're just not as sick as I. Kudos to you.

#8 - May - Angela Bettis - May

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I've had a soft spot in my heart for Angela Bettis for many years now. And it all started with May. May is at her very core a sweet little innocent girl who just wants someone to play with. She wants a man, the perfect man. Only problem is, the perfect man really does not exist. Billy over there has perfect eyes but lacks in the penile department. Josh has got a beautiful set of legs but his personality is just no good. May wants it all. And if she can't find it all, she'll just create it. She sets about taking all the perfect parts from all the people around her and assembles them all as one perfect man/woman/thing. Aw, how sweet. She gets my vote for the cutest horror villain of all time. Sorry, Hannibal.

#7 - Trash - Linnea Quigley - Return of the Living Dead

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Ah, Linnea Quigley. Wet dream to all horror fans everywhere. With one nude romp through a graveyard, she danced her way into the hearts of all of us. And our hands quickly danced their way into our pants. With a name like Trash, how can you go wrong. Even as a zombie i'm sure most of you would not turn her down. Just make sure that mouth goes nowhere near your nether regions. I met Linnea at a horror convention a few years back and i'm happy to report she hasn't hit the wall just yet.

#6 - Marie - Cecile De France - High Tension

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I've caught a lot of shit for this one. So what, she has short hair. So what, she likes to pick from her own litter. So what, she looks a bit like a boy at certain angles. Marie is fuckin' hot! And it's not easy to be with short hair. Best of all, she's totally fuckin crazy. So crazy in fact that shes convinced herself she is a large burly man. Spoiler alert. Oops, too late. There's a scene in the film where, after seeing her woman friend nude in the shower, Marie pleasures herself on her bed. You had me at hello...

#5-1 COMING SOON!