Thursday, January 8, 2009

Dear Uwe Boll ...

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You are a piece of shit and an incredibly untalented filmmaker. But I guess you already figured that out when the thousands upon thousands of people before me told you that, right?

So I just popped one of Boll's latest flicks, Seed, into the DVD player (which is actually a PS3 thanks to the good graces of Father Christmas) and I literally only made it about 60 seconds into the movie before I decided I wanted to see Toilet Boll torn to pieces by a rabid lion. If you know what i'm speaking of, i'm truly sorry, as that would mean you sat through at least some portion of this utter drivel.

First off, why did I decide to watch it? I'm not really sure but the only excuse I can offer up is that it's almost 8 in the morning, I haven't slept, my judgment is clouded and I thought maybe, just maybe, Boll might've learned a few things from his 20 previous massive film flops and churned out a mildly entertaining flick. Cut me some slack. I was bored out of my fucking mind and the plot, of a serial killer released after three failed execution attempts (under some kind of ridiculous fictional law), sounded somewhat interesting in my hazy state.

Now as soon as the movie begins, Boll announces his assholeness to us as we are treated to a good two minutes of various real clips of animals being tortured and killed. Real animals. Really being tortured and killed. As in, a dogs head being stomped in by a large boot. Why? According to a warning message at the start of the film, "We have incorporated this footage into the context of the film to make a statement about humanity." Now i'll admit I haven't watched the rest of the movie yet, but it's clear to see right off the bat that the footage was incorporated into the film for one reason and one reason only ... to be shocking. Granted, yes, this stuff does happen in real life. But why the fuck do you need to show it at the start of your film you worthless talentless piece of shit? You're not shocking or fooling anyone into thinking you're a cutting edge ballsy positive message bearing filmmaker. You're a nobody and you just want people to talk about you. Bad press is still press, right? But if all you've got is bad press, then what the fuck are you?

It wouldn't really be fair to cast out the film without watching the whole thing first (actually it probably would but I like to give every movie a fighting chance), so let me finish it and we'll continue this little discussion ....

JUST KIDDING!

FUCK YOU UWE BOLL!

I think i'll just watch this awesome clip instead ...



Eli Roth making shitty movies over and over again? This coming from the mouth of perhaps the worst filmmaker of our generation? Now that's some funny shit.

SIGN THE PETITION!

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When did these things become so hard to break?

6 comments:

Quanthor said...

He looks surprisingly content bobbing around in a bowl of human waste...he gives a whole new meaning to the term "shit eating grin".

Sauceman said...

This guy sounds like Arnold....I hate him and want him to die the worst death imagineable....FUCK UWE!!!!!!!!!

Brian Churilla said...

Tell us how you REALLY feel. Don't hold back. The broken DVDR is hilarious.

thebonebreaker said...

hahahahaha :-)

Jigsaw said...

Why didn't you put the Movie on a DVDRW then you wouldn't have shattered dreams?!!!

Jigsaw's Lair

Johnny said...

Ah, I don't bother with those RW's. The blanks are so cheap I don't mind if I end up burning a shit movie. I'll gladly toss it out, snap it in half, or pawn it off on a friend!