Monday, January 19, 2009

Don't Fool Around With Miners!

I've got a couple messages from people asking me if I saw My Bloody Valentine 3D yet and the answer is yes, of course I have! I was there bright and early at the second showing (overslept!) on Friday afternoon, I just didn't get the chance to type up my thoughts until now. To preface, I love the original My Bloody Valentine (can't wait to get my paws on that new Uncut edition) and I was incredibly excited about this remake not only because I thought there were some things that could be improved, but because it's a 3D horror flick! Pick axes and body parts flying at the screen! Fun for all! But something went a little wrong somewhere ....

I didn't have nearly as much fun with MBV3D as I expected nor did I like it as much as I had hoped. Something about it just didn't work for me. Yes, there's full frontal nudity. Yes, there's plenty of gore. Yes, there's Tom fucking Atkins. ALL IN THREE DIMENSIONS! Maybe it's just my shitty eyes, but save for a few shots, the 3D didn't really impress me and if anything it became annoying and dizzying wearing those glasses for the entire runtime. It made it hard for me to focus and see what was going on at times, but that may just be me. Jen had no problems at all with the glasses and i've had a history of shitty unfocused eyes, so that one is probably just a personal gripe. By the way, these are the spectactles you're handed upon purchasing a ticket (which you're supposed to give back...oops!) ....


Another reason i'm starting to think I didn't have as much fun with the movie as I should've is because I saw it so early in the day and there were literally only 2 other small groups of people scattered throughout the large theatre. Total silence. No jumping, no screaming. A pal of mine, Jason (Takes Portland), sent me a message the other day with his thoughts on the film, which kinda confirmed this thought ... "saw My Bloody Valentine at a 3D theatre late Friday night. The theatre was packed with the typical 16-25 crowd which gave the proceedings a great energy. Half the fun was hearing the gasps/squels of girls at the slightest scare, or the drunk/stoned guy in the back yelling at the screen. Between the crowd and the gimmick it felt like I had stepped back in time to the early 80s, the hey day of the slasher film." Well i'll be damned, don't I feel left out! I can with much certainty say it would have been a better more fun experience in a packed theatre. Yes, a good movie should be a good movie whether you see it alone or with 500 other people, but the whole point of this one was supposed to just be a fun mindless experience. So if you're gonna see it, see it during peak hours and bring a gaggle of jumpy girls!

But all that gimmicky stuff aside! I just wasn't really feeling the movie so much. It felt like a I Know What You Did Last Summer type whodunit flick with a buttload more gore. Which may sound like a good thing, and I actually did like I Know, but it's just not what I expected with this one. It was like a really gory WB drama show, and the cast of young WB actors didn't help. (Anyone else just wanna punch Kerr Smith in the head?!) Ya know what else didn't help? The awful (and I mean awful) ending/explanation/whatever ya wanna call it ...


If you've seen High Tension, and were pissed off by the shitty twist ending in that movie, be prepared to experience that dissapointed hate all over again! We find out The Miner is Tom, the hero. Ok, all fine and well. (By the way, in the original, it was Axel who turned out to be the killer). But then we find out that Tom didn't even know he was The Miner! In a scene towards the end, he sees The Miner approaching his gal pal from behind with a pick axe and tells her to turn around and shoot him. But she doesn't see anything! She looks behind, and The Miner walks right through her and literally fades away right in front of Tom! No joke! Why couldn't it just have been Harry Warden back from the dead killing motherfuckers! I think it would've been cooler if they just decided to go with no twist which, given our expectations from the original, would've actually turned out to be a twist!


The movies not totally without merit though. As I said, it's chock full of gore and some pretty cool kills, even if a bunch of them are a bit CGI heavy. There's some cool retro kinda kills that you'd only really see in an 80's flick and I don't think i'm spoiling anything when I say Tom Atkins gets it in the worst way, which makes for hands down the best scene in the entire movie. And it's a scene like that where the 3D is really utilized in the way I was hoping it would be. Other than that one, it's just guns and the sharp ends of axes being pointed towards us.

All in all, it's not a horrible movie and i'm pretty sure most people who go to see it will have a lot of fun with it, and for that reason I recommend you check it out and see for yourself. It's just not that good of a horror flick, in my opinion. I will say that I went to the theatre hoping to see nothing but mindless gore and nudity, and I can't really say it didn't deliver on that front. I just wasn't feelin it. But then again, I really didn't get the full experience. I'm pretty sure everyone would be shitting on this movie right now if they saw it in an empty theatre. It's kinda like watching a laugh a minute comedy alone. If no one's laughin with ya, it's just not that fun!

Now if only they would've used that amazing song from the original!

Anybody see it? And for that matter, has anyone picked up the Uncut original DVD yet?


Quanthor said...

I saw it and had a Jason Takes Portland mentioned(I'm from the same city BTW)..the theater was packed and the crowd was really into it.

I do agree that the cast sucked, there's not one memorable character to be had, but considering my expectations weren't that high and it did deliver oh the gore, nudity and suspense..I was a happy camper.

Johnny said...

I almost want to go see it again next weekend with a packed theatre! Feel like I missed out on a fun experience.

Brian Churilla said...

I saw it with Jason (Takes Portland). A lot of Portlanders reading your blog I guess. Yeah, it was packed. Crazy packed in fact. There were some great, witty zingers being hurled at the screen, like, "More tits!".

Anyhoo, the movie was a steaming pile of donkey flop. BUT, I dug the gimmick. And I agree with you (I was complaining to Jason after the flick about this), It should have been Warden after all. Now THAT would have been a twist. He'd take off his mask and it'd be a dried out mummified corpse underneath. Oh well. How many fucking times will the twist be, "Oh the protagonist ws crazy and did the killing himself..." I mean, really? And this film was riddled with endless cliches. Token black guy, "One bullet left. Make it count!", etc. Insulting.

We paid the full $9.50, then another $2.50 for the damn glasses. All that being said, I did like the sensation of it at least appearing to be constantly sprayed with blood. Felt like a kid again. Ahem.

Now I can get back to my 60's horror film kick.

thebonebreaker said...


I agree with you on this one 100%!
[something just didn't gel]

I saw the early screening [10pm Thursday night] with a relatively good-sized audience... that didn't matter too me - the movie was still blah, and YES - Kerr Smith - I so hear you! :-)

As for the 3-D, I felt that justified the experience though [sorry to hear you had visual issues]

Great Review!

Jason Takes Portland said...

What part of Stumptown are you from Quanother?

While we are on PDX and subterranean horror talk, I took a tour of our city's underground tunnel system this weekend, which was used to shanghai sailors, bootleg booze and kidnap woman for prostitution. It is supposedly one of the most haunted places in America. I did not have an encounter but it was pretty damn spooky.

Anyways I never gave much thought to the twist ending till I read what you said about it and I agree it was pretty lame, and I loved High Tension. I think I just left my brain at the door and enjoyed the spectacle.

Johnny said...

I love High Tension too, I just wish it didn't have that twist. So unnecessary. Why can't we just get a badass killer going around killing people for no reason anymore?!

Quanthor said...

Jason - I just moved this last weekend out to Hillsboro, but before then I lived in downtown Portland across from the PGE park in an apartment above The Matador bar.

The twist ending didn't bother me too much considering the original also had a twist at the end...and this is coming from a guy that generally hates twist endings. Personally I was kind of glad they changed it from the original, it left me second guessing myself which kept me a little more interested into what was transpiring on the screen..because lets face it, the story was crap.

Johnny said...

Well I knew a twist ending was coming I just didn't like the twist they went with! At all! Like I said in my review, the killer being Tom is fine and all. But it being Tom and Tom not knowing about it and having the miner fade away? Lame.

And why the hell was Jamie King just standing there and not shooting Tom when he and Axel were battling it out towards the end!? It was like she wasn't ever there during that scene!

Brian Churilla said...

C'mon, Johnny, Jamie was torn between two douche bags. Give her a break. Also, was it just me, or did she seem more like a lumberjack than a sex pot?

Johnny said...

But only one douchebag was gonna kill her!

And ya, i've never really been too into her.