Saturday, September 26, 2009

Children of the Corn '09 - SyFy Strikes Out Once More

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There are some movies that you don't even need to watch a single frame of before you can make the judgement call that they're gonna suck. SyFy original pictures ten out of ten times fall into that category and the only difference between this movie and all of those other shitfests they put out is the fact that it shares the same name with what is considered to be a horror classic - don't let that fool you into thinking it's any different. This made for TV remake is utterly worthless garbage that serves absolutely no point whatsoever. It's the kinda movie that does nothing more than bore you into an early bedtime.

Let me break the movie down for ya. The first half consists of two shitty characters, played by two equally shitty actors, spouting equally shitty lines of dialogue, fighting and arguing with one another in their car. This literally goes on for what seems like 45 minutes. One of them finally gets killed and the second half of the movie consists of the other shitty character running away from unconvincingly evil kids and battling corn stalks all while having 'Nam flashbacks in the process - ya know, to give his character some depth. And then the dude gets caught and killed, I think, although it's never shown or explained. In between these segments we're treated to bad child actors reading dialogue that is clearly way over their heads, which kinda takes the piss out of the whole idea of them being uber evil vessels of some god made of corn who are more mature and smarter than they look. It's all laughably bad stuff, as i'm sure you've gathered by now.

Laughably bad - that about sums up the entire movie and there's really no need to say much more. It's not that I expected much of anything from it, I just had to give it a shot just in case SyFy had finally decided to put some time and effort into their movies. Sadly, I don't think that day will ever come but I also don't think i'm gonna let them fool me into watching their shit anymore. Then again, at least some of their stuff is of the so bad it's good variety. I dont know about you, but i'll take insanely bad CGI monsters tearing shit up over what I just watched any day of the week.

If you absolutely insist on checking the movie out for yourself and missed its airing tonight, you can pick it up on DVD starting October 6th - in an uncut and uncensored form. Whoopee. Click here to pre-order it from Amazon today.

Oh, and lest you think i'm just bashing this movie out of an allegiance to the original, I never cared for the original, or any of the many sequels, either.

Time to continue this impromptu Saturday night horror marathon with a little Hills Run Red action. I'll be back shortly with my thoughts on what looks to be one of the better horror flicks of this year. Hope, hope.

17 comments:

whereinchicago said...

Oh good. I'm glad I forgot that this was on. A couple weeks ago -- out of sheer boredom -- I was watching "Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return" and couldn't stop laughing. Why'd Nancy Allen think this was a smart career move is beyond me.

Never fear, since it's SyFy, the movie will only be on 1,000 more times in the upcoming week.

Zacery Nova said...

Didn't one of the Children of the Corn sequels have "Crystal Lowe" in it? Because if so then that merits a watch for sure.

Stac said...

Yeah, I watched it, too. Some parts I liked-- that they set it in the 1970's, for example, and I liked the actor playing Burt.

But you can't expect kids to carry a movie about evil kids-- when an ankle biter is told to "act evil" usually you get bared baby teeth and falsetto-high growling. That's not scary-- that's ADORABLE!

You also can't replace the gangly ginger horror that is an adolescent Courtney Gains with a 28 year old former Calvin Kline model. Sorry, I'm not buying it, though I AM admiring his finely drawn cheek bones.

Lame movie, firmly. The only part I really liked was how cute the little blond kid with the lisp was. He was frankly a little doll.

Tlieso said...

Let me start off by saying that I love bad movies, even the horrible ones SyFy puts out. This movie however was just the biggest waste of 2 hours I've ever spent, it was almost painful. Those main character made me want to stab myself in the head. ugh.

Wings said...

Didn't bother checking this one out, as those CotC flicks never appealed to me.

Pax Romano said...

I made it through about ten minutes of this mess.

atomicfox said...

I watched it, too and I had issues with it right from the start.
1) Isaac was way too cute. He seriously looked like his front teeth grew in 2 days ago.
2) The couple was so annoying! In the original they were so in love and in this one they just bicker the whole movie.
3) The 'reproduction' scene? Um, there was absolutely no need to throw that in there.
The list goes on. Oh, but I love how they tried to make Malikai look like the original creepy red-headed kid. Nice try. I was laughing at that.

ThePersonYouBenefitFromKnowing said...

Yeah, I turned it on for a second (I didn't even know about it until I caught wind of it from you)...and I would personally like to say Thanks for nothing! haha. Yeah, I tuned in at about 16 minutes after it started, caught the scene where he gets out of the car and she's like "I felt like someone was watching me" and I just got bored before I gave myself a chance. And after reading what you said, I'm glad. And I thought I was the only one who didn't really like the original or any of the sequels. High-five to you sir...we are just that cool.

Cins said...

So I started watching it last night. I could not STAND that couple. My cable blinked out right before whats her face was probably killed. Hated her!! Every time her husband slapped her I said "THANK YOU!".Tthey were the most unappealing characters in a movie ever. Also, you can see the director coaching Issac on how to speak, move, etc from off camera. He was a cute kid but that boy could not act.
I'm not a huge fan of the original but I do like it for its campy over the top story. This one didn't even have that. wow...ugh...
Needless to say, after my cable blinked out I didn't bother going back to the movie to see the ending. Apparently it never got better. Thanks for jumping on that movie grenade for us, Johnny!

Johnny said...

Glad to see that everyone else hated that couple, and the whole movie, as much as I did!

Zac - Ya, she was in the 7th. And the 4th one had Naomi Watts in it, which is the only reason I bothered watching it.

Ryne said...

We found the same atrociously bad qualities for this film. At least we can all agree on something!

Quanthor said...

Thanks for the help by saving me time, folks!

*quickly erases movie from DVR*

kaiyn said...

I never bothered watching any of the CotC films. I might give the first one a shot, but only because I'm a fan of Stephen King.

Carl (ILHM) said...

Damnit how the hell did you get HRR? It isnt out yet is it? CotC = poopy, it took me 4 beers to finish but I made it there, and it was in no way laughably bad, just "Why is this a shot for shot remake with terrible(r) actors?" bad..

Johnny said...

Warner Bros sent it to me =)

Comes out tommorow

A.Jaye said...

So I'm the only one who actually liked that film. I haven't seen the original but the arguing couple was a breath of fresh air as opposed to generic in-love-twerps you usually get.

Her name's Kandyse McClure - her acting was fine. And she's finer. But it doesn't suprise me that you Cins enjoyed HIM slapping HER given the colour code.

Oh and Johnny - his 'Nam flashbacks indicate that the corn attacking him then the sky closing in on him were part of his psychosis.

So the kids couldn't act. Neither can Megan Fox.

Johnny said...

Sir, if you can find any merits in this film whatsoever, god bless you!