Friday, November 20, 2009

Stan Helsing - Criminally Unfunny

It's not that I even expected there to be a single laugh amongst Stan Helsing's hour and a half runtime, it's just that I kinda felt an obligation to watch it, being a horror movie fan and blogger. I've seen enough of the current slew of spoof flicks (Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet The Spartans, the list goes on and on) to know that the days of Airplane and even Scary Movie are long long gone and Stan Helsing, with its childish 'spoofing' of 20 year old horror movies, is even more confirmation of this fact. How these movies keep getting made is completely beyond me but apparently someone out there with great power and money thinks they're funny, and that concerns me. With its juvenile and incredibly immature sense of humor, or lack thereof, Stan Helsing is one of the least funny movies i've seen all year - and it's a goddamn comedy! I've watched many dramatic films where i've ended up in tears (the sad kind) by the end and yet, there was always at least one or two moments of levity and humor throughout where a good chuckle came out of me. Not so with Stan Helsing. Literally every single 'joke' falls flat and I wouldn't be shocked in the least to discover that the screenwriter had his 10 year old son ghostwrite the script for him.

Now if you shackled me to a chair, rigged jumper cables to my balls, and demanded I tell you one good or funny thing about the movie, i'd probably wind up saying that Kenan Thompson is at least somewhat of a humorous guy. There, you got it out me. But it's the only positive thing whatsoever I can say about anything relating to this movie and remember, I only said it because you threatened thousands of volts of electricity to my privates.

Stan Helsing is honestly one of the stupidest movies I have ever watched and it makes me truly miss the days when Leslie Nielsen was funny and had a respectable career. You should've quit while you were ahead (aka the early 90's), Les. For that matter, the spoof movie should've quit while it was ahead, back in the early 2000's.

If you need further proof as to the stupidity and lameness of this movie, check out the pictures below of how each of the classic horror icons are depicted in the flick!


He's got a handbag on his face, instead of human skin. He's got a leather...face. Get it!? And he doesn't use a chainsaw, he uses a leaf blower! Classic!


I guess since Freddy wears a hat similar to one worn by the typical depiction of a "pimp", they decided to turn him into a gold toothed giant clock wearing gangsta? I suppose? By the way, the clock that 'Fweddy' has around his neck is a countdown to sleep time. While it is a funny concept and is humorous to picture Freddy sitting around waiting for bedtime, it's a concept they never bother to explore or suck any humor out of. I guess they thought it was funnier to show 'Fweddy' brushing his gold teeth with the toothbrush that's affixed to his glove.


He wears a hockey jersey...because of his hockey mask...genius! What an original thought! The band-aid might have been funny had it been on the side that Jason got axed in Friday Part 3, as a nice little tie in to the real films, but it's not even on the correct side, so i'm kinda wondering if the director's intention was even to spoof Jason's trademark axe wound or he just thought slapping a band-aid on the mask would be hilarious. I'm gonna go with the latter. I must also mention that 'Mason' is played by Ken Kirzinger, the same dude who portayed Jason Voorhees in Freddy vs Jason. Have you no respect for the historic role you were lucky enough to play, Mr. Kirzinger? You don't see Kane Hodder shitting on the character, do you?


Rhymes with Chucky, Ha Ha! They depicted the Chucky doll as a human midget with elf shoes and a game of Tic Tac Toe carved into his face! Brilliant!

"Michael Criers"

The whole thing about Michael Myers is that, due to his mask, he had an expressionless face at all times. In Stan Helsing, his mask expression changes depending on how he's feeling! How do they think of this stuff!!! Funny thing is, Mikey has such a small amount of screentime in the movie that I didn't even notice the changing of masks until I went back through it to pull pictures for this post. Note that he also wears a yarmulke. Because yarmulke's are funny.


Ahh, I think you guys get the point by now....


Andre said...

Hah yikes. I will boldly state that Scary Movie 3 is probably one of my favorite movies and is spoofing done well.. haha see? I'm cracking up now just thinking about it.

Was the clock around Fweddy suppose to be a homage to Flava Flav I wonder? Are they really smart enough to connect his clock to that fact that Freddy only kills in people's dreams? I am doubtful..

I am very sorry you had to subject yourself to this torture. My thoughts are with you.

Johnny said...

Ya it was definetly a Flava Flav reference.

kaiyn said...

I had no desire to watch this, and now I will avoid it like the plague. Sorry you had to suffer through that.

Sauceman said...

Let me get this straight...Keenan Thompson was the best part of this abomination? Wow...just wow

Johnny said...

Yep, that is correct!

Zacery Nova said...

I watched approx thirty minutes of this before going, "what am I there some laundry to do?!". It was AWFUL. Why they couldn't do a SATIRE as opposed to a junevile comedy is beyond me.

Wings said...

Damn. I was hoping this was gonna be a good, funny flick. Sad. Thanks for taking the bullet for the rest of us, Johnny.

Johnny said...

That's my job, Wings!

Cat said...

I've never even heard of this movie, but having hated all of the Scary Movies (I saw the first one in the theatres and wanted desperately to walk out..), I wouldn't have gone to see it anyway.

The only parody movie I liked out of the big piles of crap that have come out recently is Not Another Teen Movie.

Carl (ILHM) said...

Thanks for the warning, I might netflix it at some point but it already looked pretty lame..