Friday, December 11, 2009

Catching Up On Screeners : Breaking Her Will, CockHammer, Quiet Nights of Blood and Pain, and The Green Monster

Got a totally free day today so I decided to wake up extra early and start hacking away at the pile of screeners i've been sent over the course of the past couple months that I hadn't gotten around to watching yet. I've watched four of these screeners already today and all I can say is, I completely wasted my entire day. You low budget horror filmmakers really need to step up your game....

Available Now

A dude with a fetish for crucified chicks locks a chick in his basement, strips her nude, and turns her into his own personal slave.

Ok, so I know I just said above that I watched four movies today, but I guess I truthfully only watched 3 1/4. I was only able to make it through about 20 minutes of this one before I reached for the fast forward button - and I was being pretty generous by giving it that 20 minutes. This is just another one of those 'torture porn' flicks that tries real hard to be disturbing but succeeds only in making me embarrassed to call myself a horror fan. Is this really what the genre has come to? Note to filmmakers : throwing a hot naked chick in a basement with a creepy dude for an hour and a half does not a good horror movie make.

Available January 12th, 2010

A snuff filmmaker by the name of Norman Cockhammer unearths a Book of the Dead of sorts and sacrifices women in an attempt to transform into some kind of fucked up evil God. He sends out his goons to kidnap two sluts who he thinks will finally allow him to make the transformation but their sexually ambiguous boyfriends soon catch on to his evil plans and set out to rescue the girls before they become Cockhammer's stepping stone to demigod-dom. Ya....

I'm not even really sure where to begin with this one or what to say about it other than it is perhaps the single dumbest and most juveline film ever made. I'd say it's only for those with an incredibly twisted and childish sense of humor but I possess both of those qualities and even I found absolutely nothing redeeming about this garbage. I'll admit that i've never been a big fan of the over the top corny sex joke filled Troma style horror that CockHammer revels in, so that may have something to do with my hatred for it, but I honestly can't imagine ANYONE finding this movie even in the least bit entertaining. All I know is, I don't ever care to associate with anyone who does.

Available February 16th, 2010

A soldier comes home from Iraq and finds that he cannot stop doing what he was trained and ordered to do over there - kill anyone and everyone who he deems anti-American. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a fat chick who has also just returned from Iraq experiences Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, smokes a lot, cries a lot, and then discovers that her fate is forever linked with the killer soldier.

The only thing I hate more than politics and war is people talking about politics and war. It irritates me to no end and I soon discovered that this film was nothing more than a dude masquerading his political viewpoints around as a shitty horror film. It's basically all the worst conversations i've ever had to listen to tossed into one hour and 15 minute time span. Now I could get over that if the movie was any good, but it was just plain awful no matter what way ya slice it. What was intended to be a criticism of America, our current war, our government, and of those who disrespect our country, comes off as a total mockery of just about everything the filmmaker tried commenting on. Sadly, i'm sure the dude who made this thinks he created a seminal and important film for our time. Sigh.

Speaking of important films for our time which deal with similar subject matter....

If it's playing anywhere near you, I cannot urge you enough to go see Brothers. It's one of the best films of the year and i'm pretty sure we'll be hearing a lot about it come Oscar time.

Release Date To Be Determined

A husband and wife run a small convenience store out in hick country and kill people, throw them in their dumpster (the titular 'green monster'), and then cook them up Motel Hell style. They also put blood in chocolates and sell some to the popular girl at school and she turns into some kind of demon who needs more blood chocolate to survive. Oh and some girl at the beginning self aborts her child and then gets killed but comes back later as a zombie.

I watched The Green Monster only a few hours ago and, as i'm sure you can tell by that sad attempt at a plot write-up, i've already almost entirely forgotten about it - i'm pretty sure that's not a good sign. All I remember is that it was sloppy and all over the place, the main dude was trying way too hard to be Sid Haig, and it sucked. Wish I could be more constructive but that's all i've got to say!


Jayson said...



Carl (ILHM) said...

Yikes, a day well spent, eh Johnny? Cant say Im jealous, but Im sure Blockbuster will be happy to accept each of these into their vault of shitty D2DVD selections