Wednesday, September 28, 2011

New Release Review : Creature

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An ex-Navy seal, his girlfriend and their friends head out on a road trip to New Orleans. The group decides to stop at a roadside convenience store owned by Chopper, who tells them the tale of Lockjaw, a fabled god-like creature who is half-man, half-alligator. Their curiosity peaked, the group decides to play along with the local tourist trap and journey deep into the backwoods to find the old dilapidated cabin which is supposed to be the birthplace of the creature. As they set-up camp for the night, their faith is put to the test when Lockjaw turns out to be more than just a myth and they realize the locals are hiding a horrifying secret that jeopardizes them all.

First off, I gotta ask, does anyone know how the hell this movie actually made it onto over 1,500 screens a few weeks back? I ask this question not because of the quality of the movie, as it was a question that boggled my mind before I even saw it, but rather because indie slasher flicks like this generally don't make it to theaters, and this one seemingly has nothing going for it that would give it that rare opportunity. It's got genre legend Sid Haig, sure, but he's hardly got the kinda pull to get a movie into the theater, all due respect. It's just really strange that this little movie has gotten so much attention, and i'm not sure how it came to the surprise of the director or the company that spent the money to put it out that it became one of the lowest grossing films in box office history (second worst per location average ever & the absolute lowest ever for a movie played on over 1,500 screens). Shocking? Hardly.

I first heard about Creature at Monster Mania a couple months back, when an army of hot chicks was deployed to spread the word by handing out posters along with snap bracelets with the Creature logo printed on them, which were snapped around said posters. It was a simple marketing campaign that got my interest, as i'm a sucker for snap bracelets and hot chicks (moreso snap bracelets), and I was quite shocked to only a week later see the trailer for the film playing before Don't Be Afraid of the Dark at my local theater. Again, what the hell did director Fred Andrews do to get his movie so much goddamn attention?!

In any event, now that i've seen Creature, my Creature snap bracelet has been tossed into my mountain of freebies i've received over the years of running a horror blog, no longer eager to snap itself tightly around my wrist. Creature is a film i'm not going to be supporting on any level, not only because I just plain didn't like it but even moreso because of some of the comments the director has been making about the many negative reviews it has received. But first, let me talk a bit about why I didn't like it.

The best way I can sum up the movie is that it's a poor man's Hatchet, and I say that because it's quite frankly a total ripoff of Hatchet at times, down to minute little details. But whereas Hatchet was a balls to the wall fun throwback to slasher flicks past, Creature is more akin to a modern day Syfy original picture, no matter how hard it is trying to be a similar type of throwback, only perhaps more to the rubber suit monster heydays of folks like Roger Corman. What starts off as a flick that appears as if it's going to be fun and enjoyable to watch, if nothing else, quickly falls apart when you realize you're getting absolutely no gore and the plot gets stupider and stupider, with director Fred Andrews neither capturing or reveling in the fun of either the monster movie or the slasher flick. It's essentially a slasher movie that bores more than it entertains and when it comes to slasher movies, boredom pretty much makes them pointless watches to this guy right here. If I don't even get to see a creature brutally kill people in a creature feature, why the hell am I even watching the movie?

Now, if there's anything positive I can say about the movie, and I hate to say anything positive about it due to the director's comments, it's that the titular Creature is in fact a real rubber suit monster, rather than one comprised of CGI like we're used to seeing these days. He's got a pretty lame backstory and looks highly shiteous, but I give props to any movie made in this day and age that has a throwback rubber monster suit in it. Effects are also practically done, even if there aren't really any memorable gore scenes to speak of throughout. The other positive thing about the movie is that it visually looks great, far better than a movie of this kind has any business looking. So, props for that too. The titties weren't half bad either.

Ultimately though, even being a guy who loves both monster movies and slasher flicks, I had little to no fun with Creature. Its aim is simply to be fun and it simply just isn't fun. It's no better than any similar movie you'd find on your travels through the original pictures of Syfy and i'd imagine that's exactly where it will end up in the coming months.

So, what has the director been saying in regards to all the negativity being hurled towards the movie in the past couple weeks, with most reviewers calling it both bad and utterly weird (incestuous handjob scene FTW!)? He has basically gone on the attack against all bloggers who have disliked the movie, which is just about the lamest thing a filmmaker could ever do. Here's what he had to say about folks like me :

"But seriously, of course I anticipated a lot of negative reviews just given the very nature of the film. It's not a film for critics; I mean, come on, it's called CREATURE, for God's sake! But on the other hand, I was happily surprised when the LA Times gave us a good, honest review; they got it. As have a number of other reputable critics and publications like FANGORIA, Nuke the Fridge, Killer Films and Unwinnable. Those lowbrow sites that have trashed it and bloggers who harshed on the film were no surprise to me, man. Come on, what kind of critic are you if you use the word "titties" in your review, or you're still talking about my film when you're reviewing another one. You can't take those guys seriously, man; they're bottom feeders."

So wait, you're saying the movie was supposed to be bad and thus, all negative reviews of it are negated? Ummm, ok. Talk about a cop out, you douchey fucker. And for the record, little bottom feeding bloggers like myself are primarily the ones who have reviewed and spread the word on your little shit movie, giving you all the absolutely free press you could ever dream of. Talking shit about us is probably not the best idea if you ever want to make another horror movie again. Oh and about us not being real critics. Not that I consider myself one, but first you say that this movie wasn't for critics but essentially rather for people who like cheesy creature features and use words like titties and then you dismiss all the reviews from that latter group of individuals because they're not real critics? Make up your fucking mind, dude. Us horror bloggers are the ones you want to get on your side, being that we already love these kinda movies right off the bat and thus, will be a whole lot more forgiving than the "real critics".

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Fuck yourself.

- Sincerely, Lowbrow Bottom Feeder

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

How it got to so many theaters is easily answered by checking the names of the producers. The guy who greenlit Jaws is probably ill-at-ease with seeing one of his productions go straight-to-video, regardless of how inappropriate it is for the multiplexes.

inSain9876 said...

This douche bucket either has a friend/family member in the industry, is fucking/blowing someone in the industry, or has pictures of those people having sex with a goat and is using it as blackmail. This shitfest of a movie somehow made the cover of Fangoria and got wide release. Something is going on here...

MrHorror said...

Great review and nice job firing back!! Right on, man!! E.T. was the perfect touch...haha!!