Wednesday, November 23, 2011

My Rejected Walmart Black Friday Commercial!

I was kinda drunk last night after a viewing of Horrible Bosses with some friends when the idea hit me for a twisted little Black Friday ad, which seems fitting in this day and age, where the 'holiday' has year after year lived up to its foreboding name. So I got ambitious and wrote it up. Enjoy the commercial Walmart doesn't want you to see!



A cabin sits peacefully in the woods .... peacefully aside from a few teenage bodies strewn about the property. The sound of an oven finished with its job is heard coming from inside the cabin.


A turkey lays atop the oven, ready for carving. A bloody machete SLAMS into frame and starts hacking it up. When the machete makes contact with bird bone, it fails to cut through it. The man wielding the tool tests the sharpness with his finger and, dissapointed, tosses it aside. His gloved hands finish the job. Flesh and bone are ripped apart with brute force and a grisly plate is soon prepared, set down on the table in front of a mummified severed head.

The man sits down at the table and starts leafing through a Walmart Black Friday ad. A few pages in he sees a machete on sale, price slashed 50% off. Bingo.


Hordes of customers are running about the store, tossing discounted items in their carts and pushing and trampling each other in the process. One man shoves a pregant woman to the ground and steals the DVD she almost brought back home with her. He then uses her belly as a stepstool and continues on his barbaric quest for a good deal.

Suddenly all the customers stop dead in their tracks at a familiar sound, so penetrating that it sounds like it's coming from the building's announcement speaker system ...


... JASON VOORHEES himself begins slashing his way through the crowds, slicing and dicing everyone in sight. Clean up on aisle 8. And aisle 9. And, well, you get the idea.

Jason makes his way to the hardware aisle, where he sees the 'for sale' signs for the machete of his dreams. The shelves are empty. The machetes all sold out. The dissapointment and anger is palpable, seething through the holes of his blood soaked hockey mask.

He looks down at one of his many victims and sees his severed hand holding one of the machetes. Jason picks up the lone hand, pulls the machete from it and holds it in his own hand, looking down at it with pride.

More hordes of manic customers begin to approach. Jason looks up, cocks his head to the side and readies his new machete for more bloodshed ...


Black Friday ... deals to kill for.

The SCREAMS of customers are heard.


J Mello said...

Would be utterly amazing. Never to see the light of day, sadly, but amazing.

Creepy Glowbugg said...

You should be an ad man for The Chiller channel or something! Brilliant!
Maybe it can be a commercial for the Grindhouse movies! That's how "Machete" made it to the big screen!

GuidanceGhoul said...

AWESOME -- I'd love to see that! Have a peaceful and happy Thanksgiving -- and enjoy staying home on Friday!

Erik (Drunketh) said...

I like it! Especially the part about the pregnant lady.