Friday, May 4, 2012

Test Tube Aliens : The Coolest New Toy On Earth!


I go into Toys 'R Us about once per month, on the hunt for anything cool I can use as blogging fodder.  In the past year or so I've noticed a lot of awesome throwback style products, things like the Trash Pack and Doctor Dreadful's Labs, which has made me one very happy child-like adult.  The gross out/monster/alien toy revival is in full swing, and I for one am absolutely loving it.

Last night, my monthly trip into the land of Geoffrey & friends yielded one of the coolest new products I've seen in there of late, which I absolutely could not resist splurging on.  They're called Test Tube Aliens, and they literally allow one to hatch, feed and grow their very own alien.  Best of all, all that fun can be had for a mere $14.99!

So let's rip this tightly sealed package open and grow ourselves an alien tonight, shall we?!


The contents of the kit are as follows ...

- 1 Test Tube Alien.  Each alien, six in total, has a different name and the one that you grow is depicted on the front of the packaging, allowing you the freedom of choosing which one to make friends with.  I chose Nash, a green dinosaur looking mawfucka' that I've nicknamed Kevin.  My fellow wrestling geeks will understand.

Each creature is housed inside of an alien corn dog looking cocoon, encased in a sturdy plastic container.

- 0.5 grams of Sloog.  This is the preferred food of this breed of aliens, a nutrient rich treat from their home planet.  I don't know how they can eat this shit, because I found it to be pretty damn gross.  I kid, I kid.

- 1 Intergalactic Passport.  This may seem like a cute but otherwise useless little addition, but this passport actually contains the unique activation code for your alien, which you can register over at  Once you've registered your alien, you can learn more about him as well as find out what he and his friends are doing here.  I learned that my new buddy Nash squeezes his prey like a snake and is known as Mr. Stealth, due to his ability to blend into any environment.  But I think I'll stick with calling him Kevin, he seems to like it.

The website also tells the story of the aliens, which I'll sum up for you real quick here.  The basic idea is that they came to Earth to steal all of our water, because our water supplies contain the same general ingredients as their Sloog.  Hm, well that's a bit concerning.  The aliens dropped into our atmosphere in their little cocoons, but the military caught them and put them into test tubes.  It's now our job to grow them to full size and interrogate them, in an effort to find out how we can destroy them and save the planet Earth.  To this I say, fuck the planet Earth.  I'm totally not destroying this little guy.

Oh and serious props to the website for its pulsating score, which reminded me quite a bit of John Carpenter's The Thing.  How apropos.

- And finally, an instruction booklet, which of course tells you how to begin your alien's second life here on Earth.

It is this instruction booklet that we will now closely follow, which should result in this corn dog cocoon hatching into a real life ET.  Let's begin!

Step 1 : Twist off the feeding hatch and remove the 'white transport stick' AKA the part of the corn dog that allows you to hold it without getting your hands all icky.


Step 2 : Begin filling the test tube with water.  It's at this point that you realize your poor alien friend has been entombed in Alka Seltzer this whole time, as the cocoon soon begins to fizz and overflow out of the test tube.  As you continue to add water, the cocoon eventually fizzles out and reveals the contents inside; your alien, complete with a heartbeat.  Yes, a motherfucking heartbeat.

I took a little video to showcase the latter portions of this process.  Enjoy.

Step 3 : After a few minutes, you end up with a squeaky clean test tube, with your now visible embryonic alien inside.  


As you probably noticed in the video, his heart is beating at a steady pace, which is a very good sign.  The booklet states that the color of the alien's heartbeat dictates his health, with a flashing red light meaning he's happy and healthy, a flashing orange one meaning he's starving and needs more water, and a flashing yellow light dictating that he's got a bit too much water, and is drowning.  This little guide will become crucial to the survival of our friend, and the planet as a whole.  So keep an eye on that heart of his.


Step 4 : Mix the Sloog packet with 5 ounces of water and then dump the delicious alien treat into the top of the test tube, filling it until the water level is just above your dude's head.  Now replace the feeding hatch so none of his nutrients leak out.


Step 5 : Wait.  Keep an eye on your alien, making sure his heart is beating a healthy red, and give him 12 hours of sunlight and 12 hours of darkness each day.  Keep his water level consistent and in 14 days, the alien baby should turn into a full sized monster, which the booklet warns may attack its new parent.  Which is you.  What did you expect when you decided to grow a goddamn alien in your bedroom that you knew had plans of water sucking world domination?!  Jesus, could you be any more naive?

I will of course update periodically with the progress of Kevin Nash.  Keep an eye over on the Freddy In Space Facebook page for updates.  In the meantime, grab your very own Test Tube Aliens either at retail stores like Toys 'R Us, Walmart & Target, or online over at Wild Planet!

Need I remind you that the fate of humanity itself is in your hands?!?


MJ said...

Kevin, huh? I hope the lil' fella doesn't tear his quads just from sitting around.

Garrett Overgard said...

Dude I have several aliens all adults and I just ordered two more and they are takon and kurion